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Three Steps to Manage your Emotional Reactions in the Workplace

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What if emotional outbursts were allowed at work? I attended a virtual meeting with Angelique Kim, Business Development Partner at SNHU (Southern New Hampshire University) this past week. She shared with our group updates, news, and focus areas for the University’s five-year strategic plan. When her news reel was finished, she asked us to share our thoughts, impressions or emotional outbursts about what she had just communicated.

 

Thoughts? Sure, we were given a space to convey our thoughts. Impressions? Yes. A forum to share what resonated with us about the information provided. Emotional outbursts? Huh? Did she just give us permission to react wildly, with frantic energy and hysteria? I laughed out loud. I have worked in the social service sector for almost three decades and even in that type of environment, I had never heard the option in a work place situation that sanctioned “emotional outbursts”.

 

Angelique went on to share that SNHU asks employees to share their thoughts, impressions and emotional outbursts during every meeting and forum. She went on to say that it offers employees an opportunity to express their honest and frank opinions without judgment. I liked her explanation. But without that explicit invitation from an organization’s leader, how should you mange your emotional reactions in the workplace?

 

Can you think of a time where you reacted to a situation at work with a strong emotional edge or intensity and later questioned if that was the right thing to do? Jessica, a coaching client of mine, shared with me a situation when she was overloaded and overwhelmed by her job. The work demands had increased, she was doing the job of three and she felt like she could not get out from under. She recalls feeling stressed and on edge where feelings of anger and resentment began to emerge.

 

One day she reported that she walked past a senior manager in the hallway and scowled at him. When she got back to her office, she realized what she had just done, and it did not sit well with her. She was worried that she would be called out for her rudeness and started to question her behavior. She began to reflect and gained some insight. She had misdirected her frustration and stress on someone more senior than her. This person represented being the cause of her duress and she wanted them to experience and feel her angst. She immediately decided that this was not how she wanted to handle her work stressors.

 

There could be a host of situations in your workplace that elicits and triggers a strong emotional reaction. It could be the fear of making a mistake, uncertainty about your company and their financial viability, stepping into a new situation that scares you, making a presentation in front of your colleagues, team or senior leaders, your upcoming performance review just to name some examples. Everyone experiences situations differently and it is important that you become aware of the ones that trigger reactions that you want to have a better handle on. Having a proactive plan in place will assist you to maneuver these situations more effectively. You can guide your reactions and take steps to become more cognizant and planful.

 

Below are three steps you can incorporate when you are struck with a work situation that drives your impulse to react emotionally.

 

Number 1 – Accept responsibility and own your reactions.

 

It starts with taking personal accountability to your reactions. There will many situations that will get under your skin and drive your impulse to react. What you do with those reactions and how you choose to respond will be key. Justifying and rationalizing your reactions can lend to a limiting way in which you deal with situations to begin with. Even though you may have every sound explanation to do, say or even react as you may have, your emotional reaction may not provide the optimal result that you desire in the long run.

 

Immediately after Jessica roared like a lion to one of her senior managers, she owned it. She staked claim that her reaction was hers and hers alone and she took responsibility by acknowledging how she fumbled with her high level of frustration. Jessica looked inward and gained a personal insight. She acknowledged that although her negative feelings were normal and natural to have, her reaction to them has an impact on others.

 

Number 2 – Recognize the emotions experienced and why.

 

When you encounter a situation that triggers a strong emotional reaction try to identify what emotions you were experiencing and who was present at the time. Ask yourself the following questions; what may have triggered your emotional outburst and what were the feelings that were connected? Gaining insight and awareness will assist you in discovering the root of the issue.

 

Jessica identified that she was angry, frustrated and feeling exploited. When she saw this senior manager, she targeted him and zeroed in on him as the source. At that moment, he was one of the parties responsible for her ill feelings, so why shouldn’t he feel the “sting”? This exploration process was cathartic as Jessica became aware that her feelings were valid, and her reaction had been misguided.

 

Number 3 – Identify how you want to feel and create a plan on how you will go about achieving it.

 

It would be unrealistic and almost unconscionable to require yourself to divorce your emotions from your daily work experiences. It is normal and natural to feel and express your emotions. The question becomes how you want to feel and how do you activate and achieve those feelings. Susan David states that we want to work on the concept of workability. She encourages you to act on your values. Engage and practice steps that will serve you and others in your collective purpose.

 

Jessica’s core value of treating others with respect was compromised in this situation. Instead, she decided that moving forward she was going to practice taking deep breaths when she started to feel overwhelmed and stressed, take a brief and brisk 5-minute walk outside of her office building, and talk with her manager to strategize ways to manage her workload better. Although, these steps were not magic cures they did allow Jessica to own her feelings and reactions, gain greater self-awareness, develop a plan for action and feel confidently more in control.

 
 

Tony Robbins says, “It is your decision, and not your conditions, that determine your destiny”. Your emotions are innately part of you and are often triggered by your life experiences, the way in which you see the world, and your unmet needs. How you decide to own, recognize and plan expressing your feelings in the workplace is up to you.

3 Strategies to Make your Work Performance Review Feel More Meaningful

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If you are like many employees, the mere thought of your upcoming performance review can bring about a boatful of feelings some of which may include dread, worry or even apathy.

 

According to a Globoforce Workforce Mood Tracker report, 51 % of employees reported that their annual performance reviews were inaccurate and 53% of employees indicate that their performance reviews do not motivate them to work harder. And even more concerning, those who feel their performance reviews are inaccurate are twice as likely to seek new jobs.

 

There can be a variety of explanations that account for your ill feelings when it comes to the performance review system at your company. For example, you may feel that your manager does not really know your work or that they do not capture all your accomplishments and successes over your review period. You may perceive that your manager completed your review hastily and with indifference. You may discern that your review does not serve as a basis for growth and areas to develop professionally that are meaningful to you. If any of these impressions resonate or apply to your performance review experience, here are three strategies you can employ to give your review process more significance.

 

Strategy #1 – Create a list of your completions and send them to your manager monthly.

A proactive approach can be very effective and serve as a key strategy to have in your career arsenal. When you take regular steps to prepare for your review ahead of time, you and your manager will be able to craft a thoughtful and more precise review.

 

In a recent article I wrote about tooting your own horn, keeping a file of your completed work and sending it to your boss monthly was a mechanism to keep track of your performance data. You don’t want to assume that your boss is aware of all the progress or obstacles you or your team have overcome so capturing this in writing and sending it out will assist in building real substance for your review.

 

Strategy #2 – Request more frequent, shorter discussions to get faster feedback/input.

You may be like many employees who do not have regular meetings with your manager to discuss your performance. If that is the case, request it. Advocate and ask for brief regular meetings with the purpose of getting feedback about your performance. Ask the following questions to solicit your manager’s impressions of your work.

 

What should I be doing more of? What should I be doing less of or stop completely? What should I be doing that I am not? And what is your biggest problem and how can I help to solve it? Take note of the feedback you receive and information that you obtain from these brief meetings and incorporate your managers input into your focus areas.

 

Strategy #3 – Utilize your tuition reimbursement to enhance your skills, education and/or professional development.

Many employers offer tuition reimbursement or tuition assistance programs as a perk to pay employees for them to enhance their education and ultimately their skill level. If your company does offer this benefit, it behooves you to take advantage of this offering.

Increasing your knowledge and skill level through your continued education is a great indicator of your investment in your own professional growth. It will also bode well on your performance review.

 

A coaching client of mine, who is a Vice President of Financial Planning for a large bank, was struggling with her writing skills. She was tasked with sending out a monthly newsletter highlighting relevant information in her field to the 300+ financial advisors in her company. She signed up for a business writing class and accessed her tuition reimbursement to do so. She learned quickly that this class was a useful venture. She received important feedback from outside sources, was able to network with new colleagues and friends, enhanced her writing abilities and identified this initiative on her most recent performance review. She was confidently able to say that she achieved a two-fold win; improvement in her professional skills and a benefit to the organization via quality company communication.

 
 

If you are like many who have had negative experiences in the performance review process at your organization, institute these three tips and take initiative to showcase your great work. Seth Godin once said, “Excellence isn’t about working extra hard to do what you’re told. It’s about taking the initiative to do work you decide is worth doing.” Your great work does matter.

Three Tips to Sharpen Your Public Speaking Delivery on the Job

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The ability to communicate your thoughts and ideas clearly in front of a group is a professional skill you’ll need to advance in your career. Developing a high level of competence and confidence in public speaking will increase the perception others have of your abilities and enhance your eligibility for promotion. However, I know that the thought of speaking to a group, can generate fear and possibly an unnerving level of anxiety. This state even has a name: glossophobia – the fear of public speaking.

 

Twenty five years ago I debuted conducting my first trainings and as a professional speaker I have now delivered well over 2000+ workshops and presentations since then. It may seem surprising, but I do continue to practice the following strategies to work through the normal presentation jitters.

 

So, if you are about to update your team on a project, having a prepared script with a compelling message, an analysis of the needs of your audience and audio/visual illustrations ready are key. Then, follow these three tips to help you get into your best presentation flow and rhythm.

 

Tip #1 – Be you and the best you.

 

There are a wealth of amazing speakers out there ranging from my personal favorite, Tony Robbins, to Les Brown, to Nick Vujicic just to name a few who have created their own unique speaking personas. And as much as I would love to be viewed as a female version of Tony Robbins, I could never emulate and capture that same style without losing some parts of myself.

 

So, I encourage you to identify the qualities of those speakers you admire and adopt and tap into what fits you and your personality. Encourage yourself to believe that to be a credible speaker and presenter you must bring yourself to the ‘stage’. You do not have to be anyone else but you. For example, you will more effectively facilitate a meeting and share your important messages to your team and colleagues when done with authenticity.

 

Tip #2 – You can be an introvert and be an exceptional speaker.

 

You can be an introvert and an amazing speaker however if you are an introvert you may need to drum up your extroverted persona while on ‘stage’. Most often people tend to associate shyness and introversion as analogous. These two tendencies are different from one another. You may believe that introversion and public speaking may not be aligned. However, advocating for a point of view at a team meeting is important and will get your voice and opinion on the table.

 

Introversion, in fact, is more about where you derive your energy and where you recharge your batteries rather than if you could speak in front of others. For example, most people don’t believe me when I say that I am an introvert. I can happily present in front of hundreds of people and do so with energy and vitality however the impact is that it does drain my energy source. Conducive to refueling for introverts, I need to do so in a quiet, solitary place. Barack Obama, Warren Buffett and Michael Jordan are all examples of exceptional public speakers and are introverts. If you are an introvert, you may need to find some private solace after conducting a training in order to re-energize.

 

Tip #3 – Practice the heck out of your material.

 

Practice, practice, practice and practice some more. For example, you may be training a new group of employees on a new process or system. To be best prepared practice in the car, practice at home, practice anywhere you can and do so out loud. Whether I am preparing for a networking event or conducting a workshop or presentation I practice what I am going to say out loud repeatedly. I do so until I feel comfortable with my presentation and delivery.

 

Christopher Witt recommends a three-tiered speech practice system; practice your speech in your mind, stand up and practice your speech out loud and then stand up and practice your speech in a setting like where you will be presenting.

 

Carmine Gallo came up with a phrase called “the magic power of 10”. He notes that if you practice your presentation out loud, with clicker in hand, at least ten times, you will be significantly more confident, comfortable and polished.

 
 

So, if you want to kick up your public speaking delivery at your next team meeting with self-assurance and credence, utilize these three tips. As Mark Twain stated, “it usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech”.

How to Toot your own Horn at Work without Sounding Arrogant

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According to author Blaine Loomer, boastful and bragging colleagues are one of the common types of ‘toxic coworkers’ to look out for. I am sure you can identify those people in your organization who continually pat themselves on their backs about what they have done. The braggart, the one with the personality trait that gets under your skin, because their sole focus seems to be about getting the spotlight. You know, the colleague, who in other words, is seemingly “full of themselves”.

Any yet, as a career coach, I recognize a consistent theme amongst my clients. My clients wrestle with self-confidence and it plays out and shows up at work. They doubt themselves, second guess their decisions, and feel incompetent or ineffective in their role. So maybe there is something to be said about acknowledging and vocalizing your achievements?
According to a study published by two Harvard neuroscientists in 2012, people tend to spend about 40 % of their time talking about themselves. The study found through using brain scan technology that when people talk about themselves it triggers the same chemical reactions they experience during sex. Those good feelings then motivate them to share more personal information and more regularly.
These study results reinforce that it just feels good to talk about ourselves. Yet, in the workplace, you want to do so with tact and pride. You want to share your great work and avoiding gloating. The question is how do you exude confidence without being overly boastful? Here are 3 tips on how to talk about yourself in the workplace so you can get those good chemical feelings without sounding obnoxious.
Tip #1: Get your accomplishments and the accomplishments of your team out there.
If your team scored a big hit let people in your organization know. Send out an email and share the good news. Utilize the communication systems in your organization to spread the word. Does your company have an internal newsletter that goes out to employees? Do they use social media to sing the praises of employees or team accomplishments? Are their regular awards given out to employees or teams where you can share the glory of your team’s good work? If so, identify the point person to submit those write ups to and send them their way.
Tip #2: Keep a file of your completed work.
Identify and utilize various systems where you can track all your completed projects, activities, and those of your team. Whenever you have finished a project jot it down on your “completions list”, post it on your social media sites such as LinkedIn. Remember, data is your friend.
According to an article on tracking accomplishments, Tim Tyrell-Smith notes “tracking ‘wins’ is also great for your confidence on the job. The habit of tracking them leads you to look for new ways to create them”.
Tip #3 Send out a monthly email to your boss capturing all your completions.
Keep your boss apprised of your completions and update them monthly. You don’t want to assume that your boss is aware of all the progress or obstacles you or your team has overcome. Notify your boss of your teams’ successes on a regular basis so they can “report up” to their managers as well.
This will also allow those achievements to stay fresh in their minds and not get lost. You will then be better prepared for your annual performance evaluation. You will have a series of monthly “completions” that you can then pull together to share in your evaluation.
Advising your boss of you and your teams finished efforts in the workplace with tact and pride will help your confidence, professional standing and will set an example. By doing so, you will role model and help to reinforce a work culture where recognition of others is a norm. I once read that ‘a person who feels appreciated will always do more than what is expected”. So, feel free to “Toot” on!

Four Tips on How to Unplug from Work and Gain Time to Recharge

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As a career coach, my clients often share that the expectation to work additional hours and to increase productivity is ever growing. The work load intensity and relentless pressure to pump out more can be overwhelming and exhausting. Many of my clients indicate that this workload expectation has led to burnout and that our digital diet is a contributor.

In a study from the University of Maryland, researchers discovered when students unplugged from technology, they reported an improved quality of life. Their improved quality of life was defined as having spent more time with family and friends, more frequent exercise, cooking and eating healthier foods. 84% of Americans report they couldn’t go a single day without their device, according to the Pew Research Center. And half of all Americans regularly sleep next to their phones to avoid missing out.
Whether the expectation from your employer is explicit or not, the “workplace” today has loose and undefined boundaries about where working should occur. The workforce is engaging in work anytime, anywhere, and in any place. Of course, there are huge benefits to the limitless ways that work can get done today. The down side is that employing this “anytime, anywhere, anyplace” work practice can lead to higher stress levels, less productivity, decreased hours of sleep and negative impacts on your personal relationships.
So here are 4 tips on how to unplug and recharge during your non-working hours:
Tip # 1: Triage emails and text messages.
In the medical world, emergency service providers triage patient care. Triaging is the process of prioritizing treatment based on the presenting condition. You can use the same process when determining when you should respond to work-related emails and text messages.
You can start by determining the ones that require immediate attention, a response by the next business day or within the next few days to a week. Don’t respond to non-critical emails during after work hours. Even if it is something you can respond to quickly, wait until your next workday begins. You may find by triaging your text messages and emails you will reduce the amount of time you are “working” during non-working hours.
Tip # 2: Do things that require focus.
Stop thinking about work, engage in activities that require your undivided time and attention. Pick an activity or hobby that requires your full attention such as cooking, reading, painting, playing video games or cards, etc. Immerse yourself in activities that you enjoy, get you jazzed up and requires your full engagement.
Be intentional and give yourself permission to engage in activities that will divert your attention and provide you with another focus and direction. You should center in on an activity that interests you and with one that allows you to get a little “lost”.
Tip # 3: Try Shinrin-yoku or forest bathing.
Shinrin-yoku “means taking in the forest atmosphere”. Shinrin-yoku was developed in Japan in the 1980’s and has become the cornerstone of preventative healthcare and healing in Japanese medicine.” Shinrin-yoku is the activity where you intentionally indulge in the sights, smells and sounds of nature.
“If you walk in a relaxed manner, there are calming, rejuvenating and restorative benefits to be achieved.”
Carve out 20-30 minutes during your time off to take a walk and reap the benefits that nature has to offer. It feels good to get outside, to breath in the fresh air, to smell and take in all the sensory experiences during your nature walk. Read more to see the scientific evidence of the benefits of Shinrin-yoku.
Tip # 4: QT with family and friends
Intentionally carve out and spend quality time with family and friends. Show the important people in your world that your continued connection with them is vital. Nourish and cultivate your key relationships. Commit to spending time each day with the important people in your lives and be present with them.
Get caught up to speed about what is going on in their world. Talk, ask questions, be curious and engaged in each important person’s life. The small, consistent and attentive time with loved ones are powerful connectors. Stay in touch.
As challenging as unplugging from work may seem, it is analogous to any habit that you are trying to change or shift. Replacing your old behaviors and implementing new ones take consistency and time. Adopting one or any of these tips will lead you on a path to re-focus your attention in other areas of your life. As opposed to asking what you will lose ask yourself what you will gain.
I read a cool bumper sticker the other day. It said, “Sometimes we need to disconnect in order to reconnect with what matters.” Challenge yourself to be temporarily closed for spiritual maintenance.

9 Tips to Increase Your Networking Time

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When I wrote “The Networking Mindset for People Who Hate Networking” I said that networking, in its simplest form, is about creating and sustaining relationships. That’s it. It is relational and frankly, if you think about it more broadly, isn’t everything you do about building, nurturing and sustaining vital relationships?

If you are like many people, the thought of networking can create angst, anxiety and dread. However, engaging in networking activities is critical. You have a lot to gain by doing so and potentially a lot to lose if you don’t network.

The benefits of networking consist of increasing your opportunities, increasing your shared knowledge, increasing your connections and increasing your visibility; being at the table. And the losses are just the opposite; if you don’t network you will miss opportunities, miss shared knowledge, miss vital connections, and lose your spot at the table; becoming invisible. The benefits of networking clearly outweigh the losses of not networking.

So here is the question. If we know that networking is critical to our professional growth how often and how much time should we spend doing it? In a podcast by Dr. Ivan Miser, Founder of BNI (Business Networking International), Miser reports that based on a survey of over 12,000 business professionals from every populated continent in the world, he arrived at a definitive answer to the question on how much time should you spend networking.

The study found that people who said “networking played a role” in their success spent an average of 6.3 hours a week participating in networking activities. On the other hand, the majority of people who claimed that “networking did NOT play a role” in their success spent only 2 hours or less per week developing their network.

He then went on to say that the optimal time spent networking to yield over 50% of your business is 8-10 hours per week. Now when you hear that statement you might say, Wow! That sounds like a lot of time and how can I possibly carve 8-10 hours a week into my already jammed schedule?

So let’s try it from this angle; imagine if you could increase your networking engagement time with the things that you are already doing and what if you tossed in a little more time? You would be on your way to reaching the 8-10 hours per week goal. Here are some ideas to incorporate and execute to get this plan going:

1. If you are already part of a networking group, ensure that you take advantage of your time spent at those events or meetings. Be prepared and have a goal such as connecting with (3) people.

2. Set up an in-person 1:1 meeting with a connection each week and go for coffee, a walk or meet up for a drink.

3. Set up (1) virtual 1:1 a week with a connection that you cannot meet with face to face. Meet by phone, Skype or face time.

4. Get on a sub list with a BNI chapter in your community to meet and network with local business professionals. Commit to being a sub once a month.

5. Spend 20 minutes per day on LinkedIn. Post, re-post and comment on articles that are related to your business and/or your interests.

6. Maximize your social and recreational activities. Engage with those that you are with – ask questions, open up and work on building those relationships.

7. Work on having a quality 45 second commercials/pitch about who you are, what you do and what you are looking for so that you can use and speak to at any time. Practice your pitch. According to Kristen Lauletti , here are the 41 Best Elevator Pitches.

8. Connect and update your potential and former clients and connections with a link to an article you wrote or one that you read that would be of interest to them and

9. Be bold – ask for introductions to potential referrals and/or employers.

When I started crafting this list I thought to myself — these are doable. If you select 2-3 of these on the list you will intentionally work on increasing your weekly networking time and you will see the positive results they produce.

According to Dennis Waitley, “If you are not networking, you’re not working.” Use this list of tips and you’ll be one of the successful people for whom networking works.

What to do if the Whiners are Drawn to you in the Workplace?

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Are you a negativity magnet? Do all the complainers and whiners seem to seek you out and bend your ear about issues, concerns and problems they are having in the workplace?

And is their repeated negative storytelling zapping your energy and pulling you down?
Astonishingly, in a new Gallup study on the American workplace, 2/3 of our workforce are disengaged. The study further breaks down and reports that 51% of our workforce aren’t engaged in work and another 16% are actively disengaged. Therefore, leaving 33% of our workforce engaged.
These numbers are striking and certainly tell a story.
As you would imagine, there are a variety of reasons that are contributing to these astonishing numbers.
“In a study conducted by Towers Perrin and researchers Gang and Gang, the study determined the top five reasons for most of employee negativity. They were the following:
^Excessive workload
^Concerns about management’s ability to lead the company
^Anxiety about the future
^Lack of challenge in their work and
^Insufficient recognition for their level of contribution”.
If you are working in an environment where your colleagues are showing up and pouring out high levels of negativity, there are measures that you can take to shield yourself from buying into the toxicity.
Below are four steps to combat those negative individuals so you can create a healthier work environment for yourself and colleagues.
Step #1 Become aware when it is happening
Negativity can creep in. Be attune and aware when your colleagues are coming to you more often to share their strife’s and issues. Are you being sought out, the go-to person and the venting ear to your team? Do you feel drained after speaking with some colleagues who seem to have a negative perspective or twist on everything? And do these colleagues come to you with the same repeated issues and concerns?
A coaching client of mine, June (not her real name) reported feeling emotionally drained everyday after work. As she sifted through the contributors she came to realize that several of her colleagues would approach her during the workday with the same complaints. She also recognized that they only complained. They never had or were focused on solutions.
June realized that their continuous venting to her and her continued willingness to hear them out was creating undue stress.
June realized that she had become a “negativity magnet”.
Step #2 Be empathetic yet promote and defend your interests
Everyone needs to work in a supportive environment and have entrusted people to share their issues and concerns. Listening and understanding another’s perspective is a valuable attribute and life skill. Showing your care and concern for others is essential. At the same time, you also need to promote and defend your interests and ensure that your needs are considered and are at the fore front. You must protect and preserve your wellbeing at the same time.
June decided that it was important for her to continue to be a caring colleague and to do so she simultaneously needed to remove herself from the negative forces. June realized that she was a contributor to the situation and that it was going to require dual efforts to change the script.
Tony Robbins says where focus goes energy flows. June decided that she was going to change the focus of the conversations, so the direction of those conversations could shift.
Step #3 Recommend a mindset change or a change to their situation
You may notice that some people seem to want to stay and live in their negative stories rather than do something about it. If you do notice that your colleagues and peers are coming to you with the same issues repeatedly and are making no effort to address or change the situation suggest the following; change the way they are thinking about it or change the situation.
During June’s coaching sessions, she role played utilizing this strategy and practiced it live with her colleagues. She found that when she challenged her colleagues to problem solve and be solution based their conversations began to shift in the right direction.
June found that some of her colleagues began to view the situation from a different lens. For example, their stories did not snowball, or they decided to act and elevate their concerns to their managers.
Step #4 Set limits as necessary
Sometimes changing your script may not produce the results that you are seeking. It may take more persistence and an additional step. Setting some firm and clear limits may be in order. Do not be surprised if you may encounter resistance when setting limits. Remember you are attempting to direct your colleagues to shift their mindset or chose another route.
June encountered those situations as well and learned that in some cases, it required her to take her conversation to the next level. June needed to set limits. In some cases, she set limits directly while other times she did so indirectly.
June’s indirect messages came in the form of limiting the time she could talk. She let those colleagues know upfront that she only had 3-5 minutes to talk and then she needed to get back to her other tasks at hand.
In June’s direct messages, she would tell other colleagues that their negative venting and lack of action to resolve the issue was negatively affecting her. She told them explicitly that although she cares about them and their situation, she also cares about the impact it is having on her. Both scenarios were difficult for June however she did report success with these strategies.
I once read on a coffee mug, “You cannot have a good day with a bad attitude and you can’t have a bad day with a good attitude”. So, if you find yourself stuck in the role of complaint listener in the workplace, use the steps noted above to tackle and change that scenario. Identify that negativity has crept in. Remain empathetic and prioritize your interests. Suggest a mindset shift or situation change and set limits as needed. These strategies will put your in charge of your workplace experience.

3 Ways to Become a Better Listener in the Workplace

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On a scale of 1-10, how important do you rate listening to your professional success? A former client of mine recently said that they had not realized how important listening was and upon further reflection acknowledged that about 80% of their effectiveness was based on how well they practiced the activity of listening.

People have a universal need to feel heard, to feel as though they matter and know that what they say is important and has value others. Today, without a doubt, the activity of listening is one of the key skill sets to obtain a level of mastery.
Steven Covey, American Educator, identified in Habit #5 from his famed book entitled 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; seek first to understand before being understood. He went on to say, “most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”.
On a scale of 1-10, how hard is the activity to be an effective listener? Most people I ask say and acknowledge the importance of listening and the difficulty it is to do it well.
Physiologically, we are not hard wired to listen well. We can hear what our speaker is conveying however truly understanding the message is a greater task.
In Understanding Human Communication, the authors note that although we are capable of understanding speech at rates up to 600 words per minute, the average person speaks between 100 and 140 words per minute. Thus, we have a great deal of mental “spare time “to spend while someone is talking.
All sorts of distractions can derail us from listening well. For example, as the speaker is talking various senses will be triggered:
** the rumble in your belly,
** a smell that is pleasant or maybe not so pleasant,
** your phone lighting up and buzzing,
** a fly you see in your peripheral vision,
** a problem that your speaker is making that you have solved in your head within two minutes,
** a related experience that you had,
** or something they said that you gravely disagree with and all you are thinking about is what you want to say and voila you are in the throes of being listening challenged.
All the above are examples of ways that as the receiver in the conversation, you can take in 5-10 times the amount of information compared to what the speaker is able deliver. In other words, our physiological design makes it challenging for us to listen well.
So how can you do this activity better? Below is a three-tiered process to help you listen more effectively. But I will warn you …. It takes practice.
Step #1 Ask
Ask. Yes, ask the speaker what is important to them to feel heard. Each individual person has their own preferences and requirements that will show them that you are truly listening and make them feel heard. Find out what is important to them.
You should ask the person this question. For you to feel heard, what must I do?
You may find that by just asking this question you are sending a message that you care about what is important to that person. The question, in and of itself, will lay the foundation for better listening.
Step #2 Take Note
The responses that you obtain will be varied from person to person. I learned that some of my clients wanted and needed my feedback, while others just needed an ear and wanted all the air time. They were not interested in my story, my opinion or perspective.
After you ask and uncover the ways that you can demonstrate the person that you are really listening, make mental or physical note of what they say.
Jot down in your head or on paper their answers. Ensure that you capture the elements that are important to them.
Is eye contact important to them? Is it important that you verbally acknowledge that you have heard them or nod your head? Should you repeat and rephrase what they said so you both clarify and confirm you are understanding them fully?
Step #3 Respond
The last step is probably the most important. You must respond and follow up with the speakers requests if it is reasonable and doable. Carry out their requests. Show the person that they matter and that it is important to you to listen to them in the ways that are important to them.
You may have to restrain yourself from interjecting verbally with an opinion or personal story and redirect your focus on the speaker. Remind yourself that this conversation is about them. You may repeat words or short phrases that they say to keep yourself engaged and to let them know you are verifying to ensure that you heard correctly. You may also check your body language and ensure that you are sitting and/or standing facing the speaker. This communicates with your body language that you are tuned in on them and their message.
Make your best effort and carry out their requests for a tailored listening approach to the best of your abilities.
So here is a homework challenge: I want you to think of someone in your professional or personal world that you have been a bit short with lately. Maybe you have been somewhat frustrated with them. Since this relationship is important to you, I challenge you to acknowledge your recent impatience and let them know you want to change that and walk through these three steps; Ask, Take Note and Respond. Find out how you can be a better listener and test it out.

Feeling like you don’t Measure up at Work? Here’s what to do.

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As social beings, we all have an innate desire to belong and feel as though we measure up especially in our workplace. However, there may be a time when you feel exactly the opposite. A time when you feel as though you don’t fit in or have a place at the table.

What situations or scenarios could contribute to those feelings? What interpretations or perceptions could you hold that may exacerbate those experiences. It could be because you just lost your job, or you are new in your position and are trying to gain your footing.
You may feel marginalized by your manager or other senior leaders in your organization or there may have been a leadership transition and there is a high level of uncertainty about what changes may be coming around the corner.
Regardless of the situation or the contributor to your feeling not good enough, it just doesn’t feel good. In addition to this undesirable feeling your level of self-confidence may have taken a major jolt.
Rebounding and building back your confidence is critical for you in the workplace and truly feeling as though you measure up and belong is important to you and your psyche. So, if you are feeling as though your confidence level has bottomed out at work and needs repair use the following three tools to jack it up.
#1 Declare Your Worth:
If you are telling yourself absurd stories that you are not good enough you are giving your brain permission to find all the evidence to support those absurd tales. In a blog post, I noted that if you tell yourself that a work situation is untenable, that there is no possible way that you can move forward, your RAS, (Reticular Activating System) will find all the supporting evidence to prove you are right. The situation will be untenable and will lack a solution. So, what you think will determine what comes your way.
So, if you are feeling “less than” it is because you are informing your brain that you are less than. To combat that line of thinking start telling yourself that you are worthy, deserving and capable.
As a runner, there is a lot of inner work that I must do while running. Whether I am going out for a short or long run, I know it is mostly a mental exercise. To stay in the mental game, there are phrases that I repeat to myself while running that get me through.
“I got this!”, “Nice and steady,” and “You can do it” are some of the empowering statements that keep me mentally on track. I repeat those phrases whether I feel them to be true or not. I tell my brain that I got it, to go nice and steady and that I can do it. Whether it’s running or building your confidence at work positive inner statements are a great place to start.
#2 Take Stock in your Strengths:
As corny as this may sound it is true; you are here for a reason and you have many gifts to deliver to the world. Take stock in the areas that you excel in. Do some soul searching, explore and speak to your innate talents with pride.
If you are feeling a bit rattled or off your game because you just lost your job stop beating yourself up. Things do happen for a reason. Use this time to do some exploratory work. This may be a great time to assess your career path, evaluate more closely and identify what skills and aptitudes that you bring to the table and find ways to optimize your professional branding for your next position.
You may consider hiring a career coach like myself to work through this period to help you regroup, capture your talents and gifts and market yourself for the position and organization that will optimize your strengths.
#3 Do What Makes you Afraid:
Have you just been asked to present at a national conference and you have never spoken in front of a large group never mind on a topic that you have little expertise in? Are you worried that if you transition into another industry that your experience and your skill set will not be transferrable, valued or recognized?
How are you going to know if you are born speaker or were destined for another industry unless you take the scary risk and go for it? You won’t I am afraid to say.
There was a video that demonstrated a study conducted in NYC where a chalkboard was placed on a city corner with chalk. On the chalkboard it said, What’s Your Biggest Regret. Throughout the day various people wrote notes and phrases of their “regrets”. The common underlying theme was that most of the notes that people wrote were things they wished they had done but had not. No one indicated a regret of something that they did do. Therefore, get out there and do what makes you afraid.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said “you must do the things you think you cannot do.”
Measuring up at the workplace is up to you. Feeding your brain positive self-statements, taking stock of your gifts and talents and doing what makes you afraid are three strategies to build yourself up to enhance your self-worth.

Embodying your Power as a Leader with a Power Pose

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As a leader do you tend to focus more on finding the “right” words and grapple with what you are going to say rather than what your body is doing and conveying? Would you like to present and communicate with more confidence as a leader?

In a blog post about improving workplace communication, I noted that effective communication skills are built on your attention to your non-verbal messages. Your nonverbal messages via your body language has the power to help you both internally and externally exude a greater level of self-assurance.
Social Psychologist, Amy Cuddy states that “it does not have to be this extensive inner transformation, you just need to nudge yourself moment by moment tweaking your body language, behavior and mind set in our day-to-day lives.”
Cuddy’s research has shown how this works. She notes that our physiology, the chemicals in our bodies, change depending on how we position our bodies. She discovered that our testosterone level and our cortisol levels shift dramatically depending on how we carry and hold our bodies.
Cuddy’s research further indicates that when we hold ourselves, either sitting or standing, in an open stance, standing or sitting tall, shoulders back, head held high in what she has coined the “Power Pose” for two minutes, your vigorous hormone testosterone increases and your stress hormone cortisol decreases.
In contrast, if you hold your body and shoulders in a hunched fashion, pull your body inward and make yourself appear small, those same hormones do the opposite. Your vigorous testosterone level decreases and your stress hormone cortisol increases.
Therefore, if you want to optimize your body position and your hormone levels to your advantage utilize the Power Pose. The Power Pose will increase your sense of power and confidence.
A former client of mine, Angela (not her real name), hired me for career coaching. Her motivation was driven by her desire to increase her level of confidence within her organization. She had shared with me that she felt marginalized and dismissed by the senior leaders in her company. Angela wanted to work on her communication skills.
When I met Angela for the first time, although I believe she was about 5’10”, she walked into the room and appeared to be 4’11”. Her entire body was caved in and shrunken, her handshake was weak and tentative, and she was wearing dark sunglasses, so I could not see her eyes. Her body expression exuded a diminished and small persona.
As part of our work together, Angela adapted the Power Pose idea to create a pose that felt powerful to her. She shared with me that prior to meeting with her senior managers she would close her office door, stand tall with her arms outstretched in a “V”, as though she had just crossed the finish line and won an Olympic gold medal. She held this victory stance for at least two minutes. Although it initially felt awkward, Angela was keen and determined and practiced her power pose routinely.
Angela reported that her interactions with her senior managers improved over time and she felt like she was being taken more seriously. She recognized the positive results in her interactions and reported that she felt more assertive in her messages.
I highly recommend that you watch Cuddy’s popular TedTalk and learn how to adjust your body throughout the day and develop your own Power Pose. Angela is an example of how using the Power Pose allowed her to feel more valued and confident with her team.
As leaders, it is sometimes the small areas in your body language that will have both an internal and external impact. The Power Pose, when used on a regular basis, can enhance your intended message to create greater influence. Incorporating a Power Pose as part of your daily routine will be more powerful than any other communication mode adjustment.

©2023 Coach Jackie Ross, LLC

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