July 2018 - Jaqueline C. Ross LLC Life Coaching

On a scale of 1-10, how important do you rate listening to your professional success? A former client of mine recently said that they had not realized how important listening was and upon further reflection acknowledged that about 80% of their effectiveness was based on how well they practiced the activity of listening.

People have a universal need to feel heard, to feel as though they matter and know that what they say is important and has value others. Today, without a doubt, the activity of listening is one of the key skill sets to obtain a level of mastery.

Steven Covey, American Educator, identified in Habit #5 from his famed book entitled 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; seek first to understand before being understood. He went on to say, “most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”.

On a scale of 1-10, how hard is the activity to be an effective listener? Most people I ask say and acknowledge the importance of listening and the difficulty it is to do it well.

Physiologically, we are not hard wired to listen well. We can hear what our speaker is conveying however truly understanding the message is a greater task.

In Understanding Human Communication, the authors note that although we are capable of understanding speech at rates up to 600 words per minute, the average person speaks between 100 and 140 words per minute. Thus, we have a great deal of mental “spare time “to spend while someone is talking.

All sorts of distractions can derail us from listening well. For example, as the speaker is talking various senses will be triggered:

** the rumble in your belly,

** a smell that is pleasant or maybe not so pleasant,

** your phone lighting up and buzzing,

** a fly you see in your peripheral vision,

** a problem that your speaker is making that you have solved in your head within two minutes,

** a related experience that you had,

** or something they said that you gravely disagree with and all you are thinking about is what you want to say and voila you are in the throes of being listening challenged.

All the above are examples of ways that as the receiver in the conversation, you can take in 5-10 times the amount of information compared to what the speaker is able deliver. In other words, our physiological design makes it challenging for us to listen well.

So how can you do this activity better? Below is a three-tiered process to help you listen more effectively. But I will warn you …. It takes practice.

Step #1 Ask

Ask. Yes, ask the speaker what is important to them to feel heard. Each individual person has their own preferences and requirements that will show them that you are truly listening and make them feel heard. Find out what is important to them.

You should ask the person this question. For you to feel heard, what must I do?

You may find that by just asking this question you are sending a message that you care about what is important to that person. The question, in and of itself, will lay the foundation for better listening.

Step #2 Take Note

The responses that you obtain will be varied from person to person. I learned that some of my clients wanted and needed my feedback, while others just needed an ear and wanted all the air time. They were not interested in my story, my opinion or perspective.

After you ask and uncover the ways that you can demonstrate the person that you are really listening, make mental or physical note of what they say.

Jot down in your head or on paper their answers. Ensure that you capture the elements that are important to them.

Is eye contact important to them? Is it important that you verbally acknowledge that you have heard them or nod your head? Should you repeat and rephrase what they said so you both clarify and confirm you are understanding them fully?

Step #3 Respond

The last step is probably the most important. You must respond and follow up with the speakers requests if it is reasonable and doable. Carry out their requests. Show the person that they matter and that it is important to you to listen to them in the ways that are important to them.

You may have to restrain yourself from interjecting verbally with an opinion or personal story and redirect your focus on the speaker. Remind yourself that this conversation is about them. You may repeat words or short phrases that they say to keep yourself engaged and to let them know you are verifying to ensure that you heard correctly. You may also check your body language and ensure that you are sitting and/or standing facing the speaker. This communicates with your body language that you are tuned in on them and their message.

Make your best effort and carry out their requests for a tailored listening approach to the best of your abilities.

So here is a homework challenge: I want you to think of someone in your professional or personal world that you have been a bit short with lately. Maybe you have been somewhat frustrated with them. Since this relationship is important to you, I challenge you to acknowledge your recent impatience and let them know you want to change that and walk through these three steps; Ask, Take Note and Respond. Find out how you can be a better listener and test it out.

As social beings, we all have an innate desire to belong and feel as though we measure up especially in our workplace. However, there may be a time when you feel exactly the opposite. A time when you feel as though you don’t fit in or have a place at the table.

What situations or scenarios could contribute to those feelings? What interpretations or perceptions could you hold that may exacerbate those experiences. It could be because you just lost your job, or you are new in your position and are trying to gain your footing.

You may feel marginalized by your manager or other senior leaders in your organization or there may have been a leadership transition and there is a high level of uncertainty about what changes may be coming around the corner.

Regardless of the situation or the contributor to your feeling not good enough, it just doesn’t feel good. In addition to this undesirable feeling your level of self-confidence may have taken a major jolt.

Rebounding and building back your confidence is critical for you in the workplace and truly feeling as though you measure up and belong is important to you and your psyche. So, if you are feeling as though your confidence level has bottomed out at work and needs repair use the following three tools to jack it up.

#1 Declare Your Worth:

If you are telling yourself absurd stories that you are not good enough you are giving your brain permission to find all the evidence to support those absurd tales. In a blog post, I noted that if you tell yourself that a work situation is untenable, that there is no possible way that you can move forward, your RAS, (Reticular Activating System) will find all the supporting evidence to prove you are right. The situation will be untenable and will lack a solution. So, what you think will determine what comes your way.

So, if you are feeling “less than” it is because you are informing your brain that you are less than. To combat that line of thinking start telling yourself that you are worthy, deserving and capable.

As a runner, there is a lot of inner work that I must do while running. Whether I am going out for a short or long run, I know it is mostly a mental exercise. To stay in the mental game, there are phrases that I repeat to myself while running that get me through.

“I got this!”, “Nice and steady,” and “You can do it” are some of the empowering statements that keep me mentally on track. I repeat those phrases whether I feel them to be true or not. I tell my brain that I got it, to go nice and steady and that I can do it. Whether it’s running or building your confidence at work positive inner statements are a great place to start.

#2 Take Stock in your Strengths:

As corny as this may sound it is true; you are here for a reason and you have many gifts to deliver to the world. Take stock in the areas that you excel in. Do some soul searching, explore and speak to your innate talents with pride.

If you are feeling a bit rattled or off your game because you just lost your job stop beating yourself up. Things do happen for a reason. Use this time to do some exploratory work. This may be a great time to assess your career path, evaluate more closely and identify what skills and aptitudes that you bring to the table and find ways to optimize your professional branding for your next position.

You may consider hiring a career coach like myself to work through this period to help you regroup, capture your talents and gifts and market yourself for the position and organization that will optimize your strengths.

#3 Do What Makes you Afraid:

Have you just been asked to present at a national conference and you have never spoken in front of a large group never mind on a topic that you have little expertise in? Are you worried that if you transition into another industry that your experience and your skill set will not be transferrable, valued or recognized?

How are you going to know if you are born speaker or were destined for another industry unless you take the scary risk and go for it? You won’t I am afraid to say.

There was a video that demonstrated a study conducted in NYC where a chalkboard was placed on a city corner with chalk. On the chalkboard it said, What’s Your Biggest Regret. Throughout the day various people wrote notes and phrases of their “regrets”. The common underlying theme was that most of the notes that people wrote were things they wished they had done but had not. No one indicated a regret of something that they did do. Therefore, get out there and do what makes you afraid.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said “you must do the things you think you cannot do.”

Measuring up at the workplace is up to you. Feeding your brain positive self-statements, taking stock of your gifts and talents and doing what makes you afraid are three strategies to build yourself up to enhance your self-worth.

3 Ways to Become a Better Listener in the Workplace

Feeling like you don’t Measure up at Work? Here’s what to do.

Archive for month: July, 2018