2022 - Jaqueline C. Ross LLC Life Coaching

20-years Smoke-Free

October 29, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

November 02, 2022, will be my twenty-year anniversary of being smoke-free. Yes – 20 years ago I quit smoking for good. I will share with you, my journey.

I can remember as far back as being 11 years old and smoking my first cigarette. We had a babysitter who smoked. I recall being persistent with her and managing to get her to give me one. I was a real pain in the “you know what” and nudged her until she caved and gave me one of them. After that, a couple of my friends would steal cigarettes from their parents, and we would smoke in the woods. I am sure many of you can relate.

Then at 13 years of age, on Friday nights, we would go to the movies or the roller rink and we would buy a pack of Parliaments and smoke a pack of cigarettes those nights. I cannot believe they sold us cigarettes, but they did. This was when you could smoke in movie theaters. There was one side of the theater for those of us that smoked. I now feel for those nonsmokers who were trying to enjoy their movie but had waves of smoke blown in their faces.

My smoking habit increased and became more frequent. At the age of 15, I smoked on a regular basis and would hang out in the “back of the school” where all the smokers spent time together. We were referred to as the “burnouts” and there were a lot of us who smoked. It was the “cool” thing to do. Between classes, we were all out there like hungry animals puffing away and “bumming” smokes off each other.

Smoking now had become part of my daily routine. I went from smoking Parliaments to Marlborough’s to Marlborough 100’s over time. Not that the brand of cigarettes really matters but as a smoker, you do have a cigarette preference. For instance, I never liked menthol cigarettes.

Fast forward to a couple of decades later, and I was now in my mid 30’s and still smoking; anywhere from a pack to sometimes a pack and a half a day. I really enjoyed smoking. I never thought of quitting. I honestly thought I would smoke for the rest of my life.

Then in the summer of 2002, I went to a women’s fitness camp in Colorado based on a colleague’s recommendation. The fitness retreat was called Women’s Quest which was run by Colleen Cannon, who was an accomplished athlete. Colleen, along with several other world-class athletes ran this weeklong camp for women strictly based on optimizing health, and wellness, and engaging in total fitness activities throughout the week. We would get up early to have a nutritious and healthy breakfast, do some yoga and then go for a run, hike, or mountain biking depending on the day.

Each day was filled with various sports and physical activities along with a guided lecture by one of the women athletes on a topic such as training, mindfulness, etc. In addition, there were exercises to increase self-awareness through journaling, and of course, we had some downtime during the day to just relax and soak up the beauty of the mountain landscape. They also did a fantastic job of incorporating FUN and playfulness. We would “skip” around the room like when we were kids. It was a total experience of reclaiming ourselves within a safe group.

And amazingly, I still smoked. I would wait until about 3 pm when we had some free time, and I would go several hundred yards away from the cabin and sneak a smoke. I had this ignorant and naïve notion that after I washed my hands and sprayed some air fragrance that no one knew I smoked. I was wrong. The women there never said anything to me except for one person. And all she said was, “You smoke?” in a non-accusatory but questioning fashion. And that was all it took. At that moment, I started feeling an emotion that I had not experienced related to my smoking and that was the feeling of sheer embarrassment. For the first time, I was embarrassed that I was a smoker.

The feeling of embarrassment stayed with me even when I returned home to Boston. Several days later I was on the “T,” Boston’s subway system, and I was reading a paper that was created by the homeless and on the back page of the paper, there were ads to participate in various studies conducted by the local universities. One stared me straight in the eyes. It was a research study to help you quit smoking. It was conducted by Harvard University, and it was a study on “the patch.” When I got home that night, I called the number, left my information, and hoped that I could get in.

I was enrolled in the program shortly after I reached out and had to travel to Boston 4 times a week to go through the preliminary work before I actually “quit”. When the day came to quit, we had to select to do it on a Saturday – YES, a Saturday, the worst possible day to start or stop something. You usually do that on a Monday but now I had to quit on a Saturday and so Saturday, November 2, 2002, was the day. Saturday, November 2nd was the first day I became smoke-free.

Day 1 was awful. I vowed that I never wanted to experience Day 1 again, so I kept going. On Day 2, I experienced another awful day, and I vowed that I never wanted to experience Day 2 again and so on. I just kept telling myself that if I continued it would get better and that I never wanted to experience those initial painful and awful days again. At this point I wanted, I was resigned to quitting. I was doing it I would tell myself. Day 2 turned into 3, then 4, then before I knew it a week had gone by, then 2 weeks, then a month, and so on. I just kept going.

I decided that on my first weekend of quitting that I would go to places where I could not smoke. I went to the mall, the movies, etc. anywhere I could not smoke. I also did not allow myself to drink alcohol, which is. Not that I was a big drinker, I was not, I just knew that drinking led to smoking, and often smoked a lot.

It was working and I was not smoking. Do not get me wrong, it was hard. It was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life and at the same time the best thing I have done for myself.

When I went to work that first Monday, I realized that I was not taking my frequent smoke breaks. I had more time to do more work. In retrospect, it became apparent that I had been paid for my smoke breaks and paid for chunks of time over the years that I was not actually working.

I also began realizing that the times that I had thought would be the toughest for me i.e., driving in the car, after a meal, etc. were not the worst times when I was craving a cigarette. The worst times were connected to my emotional state. A realization I only made during this quitting period. Often, I smoked to release boredom. Yes, I smoked when I was bored.

I then told myself I needed to do an activity to counter my desire to smoke. I decided to start running. Well, when I say running, I do not mean I was blazing trails and kicking up dust; I started a slow jog. I figured if I incorporated exercise that required strong lungs and breathing it would lessen my need to smoke. It worked.

I needed to build up my lung capacity as I would quickly be out of breath. I would start running one block at a time and then I would walk the rest. I used a training system where I built up to running for 3 minutes, then walking for one minute and I would repeat this over and over. I was able to increase that over time when I ran for 9 minutes and walked for one minute and repeated that cycle. This was the technique I used to train and eventually used to run the four marathons I completed.

So, yes, I am at the 20-year mark of being “smoke-free”. I share my story because there was a time when I never even entertained or thought that leaving my relationship with cigarettes would occur. I believed deep down that I could never actually do it. I had this mindset and perception that quitting was an impossible feat and therefore I was destined to be a lifelong smoker. So, I never attempted to quit, until I went on that fateful trip to Colorado. It was there that I realized the power I did have and that I made the decision to exercise that power.

In my early 20s, I recall going to watch the Boston Marathon every year and being on the sidelines at the last turn of the race at Hereford and Boylston. I used to watch the runners every year on Patriots Day with admiration and respect. I would say to myself, one day I am going to do this. I would say it with intention and desire, however, I never really thought I would. I proved myself wrong.

Quitting smoking led to me training and completing four marathons, three of which were in Boston, which eventually led to other major leaps such as becoming a solopreneur. It all started with that feeling of sheer embarrassment and the belief that I could do better; that I deserved better.

What false beliefs have you dismantled?

What limiting thoughts have you challenged?

I know many have said this but trust me, if I can do it so can you! No doubt! It is a simple and true statement.

What is one area that you want to change but feel is unattainable? Dig deep and know that our only limitations are those that are self-imposed.

“Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine.” Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Join me in celebrating my 20th smoke-free anniversary!! I am going to relish a little in this huge feat!

Three Tips to Build Epic Levels of Confidence

September 27, 2022/in Mental Fitness/by admin

As a career development coach, one of the professional skills that my clients develop in our work together is igniting their levels of confidence. Interestingly, these are folx that are highly intelligent, successful, and well revered by their peers and superiors. Yet, they come to our initial coaching sessions reporting feelings of inadequacies and bouts of self-doubt.

In other words, their inner critics wreak havoc on their beliefs about who they are, what they are capable of, and their sense of worthiness. These critics are harsh and tear down their self-worth. The constant internal negative messages make them question and second guess their abilities.

Do any of these feelings resonate with you? Are you someone whose internal voices tell you that you are not good enough? Do you want to present with more confidence? Do you want to build your executive presence and gain more visibility? If you are saying yes to any of these questions, I will share three tips on how to build your confidence muscles.

Let us start with exploring confidence. What is confidence exactly? You can see it easily in others. You know it exists. You can visualize colleagues and leaders that you know who have “it.”

Tip #1 Believe You Can Achieve!

As defined by Dr. Margie Warrell, “confidence is not a fixed attribute; it’s the outcome of the thoughts we think and the actions we take. No more; no less. It is not based on your actual ability to succeed at a task but your belief in your ability to succeed.” What a powerful concept. I will repeat, “it is the outcome of the thoughts we think and the actions we take.”

Based on Dr. Warrell’s definition of confidence, believing that you can do something is one of the steps toward greater confidence however it does not paint the entire picture. Our thoughts are the first ingredient in the process. So, counter those negative internal messages with positive ones that say, “Heck Yes”! I can and will do this! It may sound oversimplified and corny however Tony Robbins says, “The only thing that’s keeping you from getting what you want is the story you keep telling yourself.” So, recreate and rewrite your story.

Tip #2 Visualize Your Confidence!

A powerful tool to aid in this process is called visualization, or a mental rehearsal of what you want in your life. We can picture what we want by using all our senses to capture what it would look like and feel like to achieve our goals.

For example, one of my clients Tina can get very flustered at work when someone says something that triggers her in a negative way. When she is triggered, she can shut down and be silent. A strategy that she uses to set emotional boundaries is to visualize that there is a bubble around her that cannot be penetrated. She works to create a protective shield to minimize the potential hurt and impact. She uses this visualization exercise in private and actively at the moment. Tina has been successfully using this visualization technique to keep her emotions regulated and respond to difficult conversations and people in a more positive way.

Another example that utilizes visualization has been the infamous basketball study conducted by Dr. Blaslotto at the University of Chicago in 1996 where he split people into three groups and tested each group on how many free throws they could make.

Dr. Blaslotto’s study “was conducted by asking a group of students who had been randomly selected to take a series of free throws. The percentage of made free throws were tallied. The students were then divided into three groups and asked to perform three separate tasks over a 30-day period.

1. The first group was told not to touch a basketball for 30 days, no practicing or playing basketball whatsoever.

2. The second group was told to practice shooting free throws for a half hour a day for 30 days.

3. The third group was to come to the gym every day for 30 days and spend a half hour with their eyes closed, simply visualizing hitting every free throw.

After the 30 days, all three groups were asked to come back and take the same number of free throws they had at the beginning of the study.

1. The first group of students who did not practice at all showed no improvement.

2. The second group had practiced every day and showed a 24% improvement.

3. The third group, however, the group which had simply visualized successful free throws, showed a 23% improvement.

The measurable improvement in the group that purely visualized the exercise was virtually the same as the group that had physically practiced.

If you were to ask Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan about visualization, they would tell you that before they take a shot, they visualize success.”

Tip #3: Operationalize Your Confidence!

Get out there and do it. May be another oversimplified technique yet very effective. To gain more confidence, you must practice the heck out of your goal with intensity and consistency. The stark reality is that you will not get better at doing something without building muscle. To build the muscles, you must do it on a regular basis.

One of my clients, Esther, was looking to increase her networking connections and community. However, she dreaded the idea of networking. Esther identified herself as an introvert and feared looking and sounding foolish in front of others. Conversely, she knew that to build her network she needed to get out there and connect with people. She initially felt like she was walking on “Jell-O” yet over time, with consistent practice both virtually and in-person, Esther felt the ground under her feet was getting firm. Esther was becoming an excellent networker and a great connector. She worked networking into her monthly schedule and developed relationships where she became known, liked, and trusted by others. Esther still gets anxious prior to any networking meeting however she knows both scenarios can be true; still feels anxious and does it anyway. Esther has earned veteran networking status.

These three tips, put into motion, will be a catalyst for building your levels of confidence. You may feel it is unattainable and that you need to “be and act” like others who seem to have “it.” Confidence building will become more palatable and doable when you realize that you have the power to define, create, and design your own confident look and persona.

If your career development goals focus on developing and establishing a higher level of self-confidence, here is some homework to get you ready. Start with answering the following questions:

1. In five short phrases or words, what does confidence in the workplace look like to you?

2. Who possesses a level of confidence that you admire and why?

3. In what areas do you already feel a sense of confidence at work?

4. What is one small action that you can take at work to make you feel more confident this week?

Make a valiant attempt at answering the questions above and start the process of elevating confidence on your terms. As Williams Shakespeare said, “Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.” Attempt on my friends …. That builds confidence.

Tell Your RAS What to Focus On

September 12, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

When was the last time that you purchased a new car? It did not have to be a “new” new car exactly; just new to you. If you are like most, you did your research. You looked at all the factors that are important to you when purchasing a vehicle, such as what you need, what you want, your budget etc.

And after doing your extensive research, you landed on that yellow Jeep as your final decision. Yes, a yellow Jeep. And once you have come to this decision, you have just told your brain that a yellow Jeep is exactly what you want. And then something interesting happens. Yellow Jeeps start popping up all over the place.

Now is that because the universe has just dumped thousands of yellow Jeeps on the road? No, the reason that you are now seeing yellow Jeeps all over town is that you have given your brain something specific to focus on.

You have told your brain what is essential and the part of the brain that you are navigating is the Reticular Activating System (RAS). RAS is the part of the brain that determines what you are going to focus on based on what you tell it to focus on.

Your RAS does not discriminate, meaning your RAS does not know if your thoughts are good ones or bad ones. It does not know if your thoughts support you toward your desired goals or detract you. And it does not know if your thoughts are good for you or not.

Whatever you tell your RAS it will find evidence to support it.

How does this apply to you and the options that you have in your career? If you feel that a work situation is untenable, and you think that there are no possible ways that you can move forward, your RAS will find all the supporting evidence to prove you are right. The situation will be untenable, will lack a solution and you will remain stuck. What you think will determine what comes your way.

So, practice telling your brain where you want to go. Decide on what you are going to tell your RAS. For example, tell yourself you got this! You are going to find a way! You are going to find the value, gifts, and opportunities in this tough situation even if you do not know exactly what they are right now.

The message here is not to act or pretend as if everything is “dandy” and it is not about painting an unrealistic picture. You must identify and address the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yet, it is important to understand that the thoughts and impressions you “anchor in” will inform your RAS.

Take command and tell your RAS what you want it to focus on. Your thoughts are going to direct you! So, choose them wisely.

Keep Hustling to the Finish Line

August 5, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

Yesterday I went on a hike that was identified on AllTrails as an “easy to moderate” one and 3.6 miles in length. It was about 92 degrees out and you may think that I was nuts! I lead a group in my local community, and I picked this trail because it had a waterfall. I thought it would be a nice treat for a cool-off point. I wish I could say that I am in the shape I want to be in, but I am not, and I am working to get there – so the hike was tough. We had a great group; there were 5 of us in total. All ages, abilities, etc.

We got to a point where there was a steep hill – the length unknown and I really needed to take it slow. As I was climbing up, I remembered one of my coaches from Team in Training when I was preparing for the 2006 Boston Marathon – his name was Rick. Rick was an elite runner and an amazing coach. Of the many things he did to prepare us well for marathon day one thing he said was to find him at the half marathon mark in Wellesley – right near the community center during the race. He would have a message for us that would get us through to the finish line. On race day 2006, I had to use a host of inspirational games to get me to mile 13.1 when I would see Rick and he would give me the message that would get me to the end. Now I was a “back of the pack” runner – which means I was slow. My best running time was a 12-minute mile. For me, that was an amazing time I worked up to. A real triumph and accomplishment. So, on race day 2006, I was getting close to mile 13.1 and I was anxiously looking for Rick. It was hard to locate him with the many people and the uncertainty of where he would be. But after scouring the area, I saw him crouched down in the middle of the road. Ahhh, there was Rick. Rick was going to have an important message for me that would get me through to the finish line. As I was looking at him with pure attention, I was thinking okay Rick what do you have for me? And soon I saw him taking his finger and tapping his temple. And I thought, “what”? What was Rick doing? And then it became clear as day. Rick was telling me it was all in my head! It was a mental game that I needed to continue to play and getting to the finish line was all in my head. Okay, Rick, I got it! I took that message right down Boylston Street and finished the race strong! So, what was the connection yesterday while I was on my hike? Well, climbing that endless hill required a mental game. I also want to add there were other elements at play. I was with an amazingly supportive group of people who waited patiently for each other, encouraged everyone, and made sure that we were all okay. Rick’s message was an important one – small, medium, and tough challenges are largely mental.

The Message to the Finish Line

July 25, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

Yesterday I went on a hike that was identified on AllTrails as an “easy to moderate” one and 3.6 miles in length. It was about 92 degrees out and you may think that I was nuts! I lead a group in my local community, and I picked this trail because it had a waterfall. I thought it would be a nice treat for a cool-off point.

I wish I could say that I am in the shape I want to be in, but I am not, and I am working to get there – so the hike was tough. We had a great group; there were 5 of us in total. All ages, abilities, etc.

We got to a point where there was a steep hill – the length unknown and I really needed to take it slow. As I was climbing up, I remembered one of my coaches from Team in Training when I was preparing for the 2006 Boston Marathon – his name was Rick.

Rick was an elite runner and an amazing coach. Of the many things he did to prepare us well for marathon day one thing he said was to find him at the half marathon mark in Wellesley – right near the community center during the race. He would have a message for us that would get us through to the finish line.

On race day 2006, I had to use a host of inspirational games to get me to mile 13.1 when I would see Rick and he would give me the message that would get me to the end.

Now I was a “back of the pack” runner – which means I was slow. My best running time was a 12-minute mile. For me, that was an amazing time I worked up to. A real triumph and accomplishment.

So, on race day 2006, I was getting close to mile 13.1 and I was anxiously looking for Rick. It was hard to locate him with the many people and the uncertainty of where he would be. But after scouring the area, I saw him crouched down in the middle of the road. Ahhh, there was Rick. Rick was going to have an important message for me that would get me through to the finish line.

As I was looking at him with pure attention, I was thinking okay Rick what do you have for me? And soon I saw him taking his finger and tapping his temple. And I thought, “what”? What was Rick doing? And then it became clear as day. Rick was telling me it was all in my head! It was a mental game that I needed to continue to play and getting to the finish line was all in my head.

Okay, Rick, I got it! I took that message right down Boylston Street and finished the race strong!

So, what was the connection yesterday while I was on my hike. Well, climbing that endless hill required a mental game. I thought of Rick and his message it’s all in my head. Although it was hot, extremely hot, and I questioned for a short period of time if I was going to make it, the mental game of knowing that it was in my head helped me through to the end. The hike turned out to be 5 miles, not 3.6 and it took us just under 5 hours.

I also want to add there were other elements at play. I was with an amazingly supportive group of people who waited patiently for each other, encouraged everyone, and made sure that we were all okay.

What is a challenge that you are facing and need to push through? What mental games will help you get through and who is in your support team to help you do it?

Rick’s message was an important one – small, medium, and tough challenges are largely mental.

Be You!

July 8, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

You do not have to become someone you are not!

I often hear from my coaching clients that they have this belief and feeling that for them to be successful they need to be and become someone they are not. For some reason, the route to success is the journey of adopting a mask, a persona, which does not actually fit, and that belief causes them angst.

For example, many of my clients are introverts who believe that to be an effective communicator and leader they must be loud, gregarious, outgoing, and resemble all the attributes of an “extrovert”. This thought causes a lot of distress and stress. Why? Because feeling as though they must become and act like others who demonstrate those extroverted qualities makes them feel unworthy and that the goal is unattainable.

What if you did not have to become that person? The person who is highly sociable, the first to respond, the “shoot from the hip” communicator? What if you could lean in, amplify and 10X who you already are?

The world does not need any more duplicate copies of others – the world needs you; exactly as you are and to express the best and highest version of you!

Getting to that place of peace within yourself starts with finding out and owning exactly who you are, what you bring to the table, identifying the amazing qualities and gifts you bring, and the loving and lovable person you are … it is this journey that we are all taking.

So start by identifying 3-5 things that you are the go-to person for – what do people seek you out for and what is it that they look to you for your expertise, experience, and wise counsel? Feel free to share. I would love to hear.

Want to Crush your Goals? Operationalize Them!

June 30, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

I am sure you can relate to wanting to kick start a goal. At the same time, do you find yourself spending more time talking yourself out of doing “it” (that internal dialogue) than the time it would have taken to just do it? I know I fall into that trap. We create roadblocks, barriers, and obstacles, and then we beat ourselves up for not having “willpower,” commitment, motivation, and exceptional follow-through.

So, what can we do? Here is a technique that I use when my motivation or desire is waning even though I want this “thing” badly. I start to break the process down into mechanical, robotic steps! Yes, you heard me right. I try to leave no room for getting “out of it.”

So, for example, I was lagging on my exercise routine and needed to get back on track. Why? Because it is good for me, it makes me feel good, it is important to move my body, I need to exercise my muscles, it is good for my mental fitness, mental health and good for every aspect of my life. My reasons for wanting to work out are clear and critical to my well-being.

And this is what I do.

1. I lay out my workout clothes before I go to bed each night.

2. I select my workout on YouTube the night before.

3. I get up at 6 am, do my am routine, and have my cup of coffee.

4. I put on my workout clothes.

5. I have scheduled a 6:30 am time in my calendar for my workout and at 6:30 when my notification goes off, I start my routine.

6. After I have finished, I hug and high-5 myself for a job well done!

I know this may sound silly or simple, but it works for me. If I chunk out the steps and operationalize them, I avoid the inner critic that tries to get me out of it. What is something you want to focus on and how can you break it into small actionable steps to crush?

Motivation vs. Commitment

June 23, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

I hear from a lot of my clients that they just need motivation, or that they are waiting to be motivated to do that “thing.”

So here is my theory on motivation. A lot of us wait for that inspirational moment or that motivational thrust that launches us into action. I would say that may work some of the time. But it is a gamble. When is it coming? Is it coming? And if it comes, motivation can wane. It could be there in the beginning when we are all geared up and excited and then fizzle shortly after.

There is another way to approach this notion of motivation. Make a commitment, DO IT and the Motivation will come!

I heard this great definition of commitment the other day from a motivational speaker Randy Taylor. He says, “the definition of commitment is the continuation of an activity in the apparent absence of results.”

I love that – so the willingness to stick with doing an activity knowing that you will not see immediate results! Or as Jim Rohn said, “success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines practiced every day.”

So, when I was training for my various marathons, I had to set up my training schedule. I was supposed to run 5 days a week and since I am a morning person, I knew it was better to plan my runs for the morning. So, I would get up at about 5 am, have my coffee ready, my running gear out, and ready so all I had to do was get up, brush my teeth, jump into my gear, have my cup of coffee and head out. I had to make it almost mechanical, robotic, and as effortless as I could.

Now let me tell you, there was not one shred of motivation that I had at 5 am, heading out to run anywhere from 4 – 8 miles in the dark, freezing New England winter morning. NOTHING!!

What I did do was that I made the commitment to run this race, this marathon that I knew if I did not prepare myself, I would never finish. So, I committed and just did it … and as I was doing it …. Voila! The motivation came. It was a wild experience because as I was out there running, and sometimes it took a few miles but most of the time, the inspiration, the fire, and the motivation would hit me. If I waited for it … my tuchass would never have gotten out the door.

So, commitment over motivation is key! Taking action will create and ignite your motivation. Do not wait until you are motivated to create change! Action will create your motivation!

Bad Managers and Lessons from Youth

June 17, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

When I first started working in the professional world, I worked with emotionally and behaviorally challenged youth. These were kids who had extensive trauma in their histories, had been receiving services from various child welfare, juvenile justice, and mental health state agencies, had been in psychiatric hospitals, and had run-ins with law enforcement. These youth landed in treatment programs because they were deemed at a level of risk to themselves or others, and required constant supervision and monitoring with the goal of developing healthier and safer coping strategies and helping to keep them safe.

Their past experiences and the ways they manifested and showed up – were often disturbing, troubling, brazen, in-your-face, aggressive, impulsive, dangerous, etc. We had to be clear about how we were going to approach our given charge with these youth and interestingly, in my opinion, the greatest lessons that were taught were the ones they taught me both personally and professionally. Not the other way around.

These kids could sniff out our motivations and intentions; those of us who were there for the right and others who were there for the wrong reasons … and there was a parallel in the assessment that measured our leadership capacities. Those of us who were effective were solid and strong leaders and those who were not looked a lot like our Bad Managers.

So, what do bad managers look like?

· Drill Sergeants/Breath Down Your Neck Micromanagers

· My Way or the Highway Managers

· Cold-hearted Managers

· Aloof/Head in the Clouds Managers

· No Sense of Self Managers

· No Chutzpah Managers

The lessons I learned from my ten years of experience working with youth have given me insight into bad managers and elements of effective leadership.

Contrary to bad managers, the youth clearly identified the ingredients for stellar management. For us to create impact, build a healthy and strong community, increase engagement at all levels, inspire growth and excellence and be a student as well (do these sound a lot like organizations goals?) we did the following:

· We were in it – from the top down – all hands in, boots to the ground.

· We were the culture bearers – the standard-bearers. We did what we said & asked – exemplified the standards and expectations.

· We knew, lived, and breathed our mission – Maximizing Potential – which applied to everyone.

· We understood, embraced, included all, and appreciated differences

· We knew that everything was relational – we built, rebuilt, and constantly worked on sustaining strong relationships.

· We were resilient and created an emotional leather – we did not get rattled easily.

· We were a source of inspiration.

· We gave immediate, direct feedback with compassion and kindness, and always with the purpose to teach.

· We were dedicated and committed to our own growth and our expanded self-awareness – we ourselves were open to feedback – at all levels

· We celebrated our successes no matter how big or small.

· We were open to change – if it wasn’t working anymore, we reviewed, pivoted, and made the necessary changes.

As leaders, bad managers exist and be found at all levels. Just like the youth who could easily detect bad counselors who negatively impacted our success, your employees can sniff out crappy managers that will result in a toxic and negative work environment.

As an HR professional, step up your leadership game and consider the successful elements of running a safe therapeutic treatment milieu. They offer lessons that can directly influence your leadership and organizational success.

How to Navigate and Manage a Toxic Workplace Culture

March 5, 2022/in Career Development/by admin

Is everyone in a bad relationship with their workplaces these days? The short answer to that question is probably not. Some employer and employee relationships are on solid footing. They are working through issues and finding ways to balance the business goals and the human needs of its people. At the same time, we have moved into a new era where the workforce is advocating for itself in new and different ways. Folx are evaluating their work cultures and making decisions if it is a conducive place for them to grow and thrive.

I decided to focus on those work environments where less than favorable dynamics and relationships exist. I have done so as many of my coaching clients are bringing work situations to the table that reflect toxic environments and I wanted to dig in.

I will be exploring this topic in a series, breaking it into three sections. This first article will cover what is a toxic work culture and the ingredients that comprise one. The second article will focus on strategies on how to navigate and manage a toxic culture and the third article will be centered around identifying when you know you need to leave and how to do so on your terms.

As mentioned above, I decided to focus on this topic as I found in my coaching practice, that my clients, colleagues, and friends were using the term “toxic work culture” often to describe their work environment. It almost seems as though the number of people that are feeling drained and depleted at work is on the rise. An article by Forbes says that there “has been a general assumption that low compensation is driving The Great Resignation. But according to a recent report from MIT Sloan Management Review, employees are quitting their jobs in droves because of toxic workplace culture, not low pay. In fact, the report says toxic workplace culture is 10.4 times more likely to contribute to an employee quitting.”

As a Career Development Coach, I receive requests daily to assist in navigating dynamics at work, especially the unhealthy ones. Dealing with negative workplace issues is certainly not new. What is different now? Has the pandemic been a tipping point that has lent us to discuss this more openly? Do leaders and organizations need to take more responsibility for the work experience of their employees? Have the number of people who are resigning in this Great Resignation shout a commanding statement to organizations about how they need to make changes to address the human needs of their workforce? Are these relationships that are ending between employee and employer requiring us to look at the current workplace dynamics that exist and figure out how to be and do better? I think so.

The prevalence of toxic workplace culture is widespread. It can come in all shapes, exist in all industries, live in for-profit and nonprofit organizations, and impact employees from all walks of life. So, where do we begin to unpack this plight and how do you as an individual make decisions about your work life that fits and serves you to be and do your best? How do you figure out if you are in a toxic culture and what can you do about it? Although defining a toxic workplace culture may be a bit tricky it may help to start with identifying the ingredients that exist in such a culture and the impact it has on us as whole human beings.

In a BBC article by Katie Bishop, Katie notes “A toxic workplace is a context in which abusive behaviors are almost normalized,” says Thomas Roulet, a professor of organizational theory at the University of Cambridge Judge Business School. “It’s both about how people behave poorly, and how others are affected. A toxic workplace is often also riddled with political behaviors – individuals trying to gain influence without thinking about the consequences for their collaborators.”

Others have stated that it is not just having a bad experience or a challenging week, it is the day-to-day, sometimes the moment-to-moment experiences that occur. These situations can be jolting to the mind and body. They may raise anxiety levels and create a myriad of negative feelings that over time play havoc on our psyche. It can strip away our confidence and self-esteem. It can make us second guess ourselves and our decisions. It can flow into how we approach our work creating hesitancy and doubt. It can diminish our productivity, efficiency, and accuracy. It can bleed into our interpersonal relationships both in and outside of work and its tentacles can touch every aspect of our lives.

A coaching client, Mary, who has been working within an organization for about a year as a manager shared with me that they and their colleagues are on edge when their boss is around. They report having personal experiences and have witnessed that when mistakes occur their boss uses a shaming approach and humiliates them publicly. One of their direct reports shared they are in fear of “doing something wrong.” They do not want to be on the receiving end of their boss’s wrath if they fail. This has become a major stressor for Mary as the fear of “messing up” has started to affect their usual good judgment and decision-making. Their high level of confidence has been eroding and they are utilizing coaching to troubleshoot strategies on how to manage the impact.

So, how do you know if you are working within a dysfunctional culture? As stated by Thomas Roulet, toxic cultures normalize abusive behaviors. The people around you may be acting as if the scenarios that you are questioning seem perfectly okay; that these elements are the norms of that community, and the goal is to have you conform to those norms. You may question and wonder if it is you? Are you the only one that thinks things are a bit out of whack? However, when you keep hitting up against situations that scream “red flags” and there are tell-tale signs of things not feeling right you may start to acknowledge the reality of the type of culture that you are within.

The variables in a toxic culture can be subjective based on each of our own personal tolerances and thresholds. Here are some clues that I have heard from coaching clients and have experienced firsthand. Look to see if you can identify with any or several of these listed below.

· Dreading going into and being at work.

· Difficulty managing their managers. Navigating less than stellar bosses, micromanagers, and often narcissistic personalities.

· Living in a “Yes” culture. Fearful of speaking up. Witnessing and/or experiencing repercussions when voicing any variance from the status quo.

· No room for mistakes and fear of making a mistake.

· Lack of a psychologically safe environment to share openly, candidly, and honestly. Fear of being on the “outs” with the “in” group.

· Lack of a diverse, equitable, and inclusive environment.

· Colleagues that are gossipy, cliques, and exclude others. A culture of talking behind others’ backs and a lack of being candid and open with others.

· Colleagues that lack motivation and commitment.

· Signs of favoritism.

· Little to no room to grow. Unclear career paths and lack of opportunity to develop and enhance professional skill sets. No sense or indicator of any forward professional movement.

· Feelings of burnout with no sight of letting up.

· Major challenges creating a healthy work-life balance and integration. Lack of respect for your personal time and no boundaries when reaching out to communicate, i.e.., after hours, late nights, weekends, etc. for issues that do not require immediate or urgent attention.

· Poor, inconsistent, and/or conflicting communication.

· Experiences of being singled out, scapegoated, and targeted.

· Visceral gut feelings that something is way off and does not feel good. Feeling depleted and drained rather than energized and rejuvenated.

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list. You may experience one or several of these elements and others that are not identified. And as you can imagine, these elements can and will take a toll; mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, and touch every area of our lives. When your workday ends the residual effects go home with you. It languishes into your home life impacting your loved ones. Many of the important people in your world are negatively affected by the ramifications of working within an unhealthy culture.

Toxic work situations can play out by increasing levels of anxiety that you feel while in and outside of work. It can consume your thoughts by taking up valuable real estate in your head. It can impact your sleep, motivation, energy, and productivity. Your ability to develop and grow as a person and professional can be compromised. Your level of confidence may plunge, and self-doubt may seep in. The negative cumulative effects are plentiful. So how do you deal with, put a stop to and preserve yourself within such a climate?

You can start with using the I AM process; identity, acknowledge, and move to gather and troubleshoot options.

The first step, like most, is to identify what you are feeling and experiencing. Write down the situations, events, and emotions that are elicited and felt by you. It may help to keep a journal and jot down notes that will help you reflect and review for a later time. It is a good practice to keep a record of those situations as you may need to refer to them later. Give your experiences a name.

Second, acknowledge that something is up. Take the situation for what it is. Trust your gut, trust your instincts, and refer to the elements noted above. If you can check off several of the elements, that may be a good sign that you may be working within a toxic culture.

Pay attention to what your body, mind, and soul is telling you. What emotions get triggered at work? What are your stress levels? How has your work been affected? How has your home life been impacted? Identify and check in with those that you consider your wise counsel, whether that is a mentor, colleague, former supervisor, family member, or friend. Access your support systems.

And lastly, move to gather and troubleshoot options. Identify a plan for how you can take care of yourself for the immediate time being and identify your long-term options. You may want to request some needed time off to sort things out, get some distance and clarity. You may want to focus on your health and wellness and reactivate activities that help you recharge and bring you joy. You may seek out a therapist or hire a career coach to help you navigate this situation.

As stated above, many, in the workforce are leaving their jobs due to toxic workplace cultures. We know that people do their best when they are amongst a team that values, respects and provides a sense of belonging. In these environments, we can grow, thrive, and contribute our highest and truest selves.

Taking a step back and evaluating your current situation can be the first step in figuring out how to make sense of what you are experiencing. Use the I AM strategy to stop the madness and get centered. Focusing on your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being is a priority. The poem below is a good reminder.

“I lied and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes, this is my busy – and I will not apologize for it.” ― Brittin Oakman

Archive for year: 2022