3 Ways to Become a Better Listener in the Workplace

/in /by

On a scale of 1-10, how important do you rate listening to your professional success? A former client of mine recently said that they had not realized how important listening was and upon further reflection acknowledged that about 80% of their effectiveness was based on how well they practiced the activity of listening.

People have a universal need to feel heard, to feel as though they matter and know that what they say is important and has value others. Today, without a doubt, the activity of listening is one of the key skill sets to obtain a level of mastery.
Steven Covey, American Educator, identified in Habit #5 from his famed book entitled 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; seek first to understand before being understood. He went on to say, “most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”.
On a scale of 1-10, how hard is the activity to be an effective listener? Most people I ask say and acknowledge the importance of listening and the difficulty it is to do it well.
Physiologically, we are not hard wired to listen well. We can hear what our speaker is conveying however truly understanding the message is a greater task.
In Understanding Human Communication, the authors note that although we are capable of understanding speech at rates up to 600 words per minute, the average person speaks between 100 and 140 words per minute. Thus, we have a great deal of mental “spare time “to spend while someone is talking.
All sorts of distractions can derail us from listening well. For example, as the speaker is talking various senses will be triggered:
** the rumble in your belly,
** a smell that is pleasant or maybe not so pleasant,
** your phone lighting up and buzzing,
** a fly you see in your peripheral vision,
** a problem that your speaker is making that you have solved in your head within two minutes,
** a related experience that you had,
** or something they said that you gravely disagree with and all you are thinking about is what you want to say and voila you are in the throes of being listening challenged.
All the above are examples of ways that as the receiver in the conversation, you can take in 5-10 times the amount of information compared to what the speaker is able deliver. In other words, our physiological design makes it challenging for us to listen well.
So how can you do this activity better? Below is a three-tiered process to help you listen more effectively. But I will warn you …. It takes practice.
Step #1 Ask
Ask. Yes, ask the speaker what is important to them to feel heard. Each individual person has their own preferences and requirements that will show them that you are truly listening and make them feel heard. Find out what is important to them.
You should ask the person this question. For you to feel heard, what must I do?
You may find that by just asking this question you are sending a message that you care about what is important to that person. The question, in and of itself, will lay the foundation for better listening.
Step #2 Take Note
The responses that you obtain will be varied from person to person. I learned that some of my clients wanted and needed my feedback, while others just needed an ear and wanted all the air time. They were not interested in my story, my opinion or perspective.
After you ask and uncover the ways that you can demonstrate the person that you are really listening, make mental or physical note of what they say.
Jot down in your head or on paper their answers. Ensure that you capture the elements that are important to them.
Is eye contact important to them? Is it important that you verbally acknowledge that you have heard them or nod your head? Should you repeat and rephrase what they said so you both clarify and confirm you are understanding them fully?
Step #3 Respond
The last step is probably the most important. You must respond and follow up with the speakers requests if it is reasonable and doable. Carry out their requests. Show the person that they matter and that it is important to you to listen to them in the ways that are important to them.
You may have to restrain yourself from interjecting verbally with an opinion or personal story and redirect your focus on the speaker. Remind yourself that this conversation is about them. You may repeat words or short phrases that they say to keep yourself engaged and to let them know you are verifying to ensure that you heard correctly. You may also check your body language and ensure that you are sitting and/or standing facing the speaker. This communicates with your body language that you are tuned in on them and their message.
Make your best effort and carry out their requests for a tailored listening approach to the best of your abilities.
So here is a homework challenge: I want you to think of someone in your professional or personal world that you have been a bit short with lately. Maybe you have been somewhat frustrated with them. Since this relationship is important to you, I challenge you to acknowledge your recent impatience and let them know you want to change that and walk through these three steps; Ask, Take Note and Respond. Find out how you can be a better listener and test it out.

Feeling like you don’t Measure up at Work? Here’s what to do.

/in /by

As social beings, we all have an innate desire to belong and feel as though we measure up especially in our workplace. However, there may be a time when you feel exactly the opposite. A time when you feel as though you don’t fit in or have a place at the table.

What situations or scenarios could contribute to those feelings? What interpretations or perceptions could you hold that may exacerbate those experiences. It could be because you just lost your job, or you are new in your position and are trying to gain your footing.
You may feel marginalized by your manager or other senior leaders in your organization or there may have been a leadership transition and there is a high level of uncertainty about what changes may be coming around the corner.
Regardless of the situation or the contributor to your feeling not good enough, it just doesn’t feel good. In addition to this undesirable feeling your level of self-confidence may have taken a major jolt.
Rebounding and building back your confidence is critical for you in the workplace and truly feeling as though you measure up and belong is important to you and your psyche. So, if you are feeling as though your confidence level has bottomed out at work and needs repair use the following three tools to jack it up.
#1 Declare Your Worth:
If you are telling yourself absurd stories that you are not good enough you are giving your brain permission to find all the evidence to support those absurd tales. In a blog post, I noted that if you tell yourself that a work situation is untenable, that there is no possible way that you can move forward, your RAS, (Reticular Activating System) will find all the supporting evidence to prove you are right. The situation will be untenable and will lack a solution. So, what you think will determine what comes your way.
So, if you are feeling “less than” it is because you are informing your brain that you are less than. To combat that line of thinking start telling yourself that you are worthy, deserving and capable.
As a runner, there is a lot of inner work that I must do while running. Whether I am going out for a short or long run, I know it is mostly a mental exercise. To stay in the mental game, there are phrases that I repeat to myself while running that get me through.
“I got this!”, “Nice and steady,” and “You can do it” are some of the empowering statements that keep me mentally on track. I repeat those phrases whether I feel them to be true or not. I tell my brain that I got it, to go nice and steady and that I can do it. Whether it’s running or building your confidence at work positive inner statements are a great place to start.
#2 Take Stock in your Strengths:
As corny as this may sound it is true; you are here for a reason and you have many gifts to deliver to the world. Take stock in the areas that you excel in. Do some soul searching, explore and speak to your innate talents with pride.
If you are feeling a bit rattled or off your game because you just lost your job stop beating yourself up. Things do happen for a reason. Use this time to do some exploratory work. This may be a great time to assess your career path, evaluate more closely and identify what skills and aptitudes that you bring to the table and find ways to optimize your professional branding for your next position.
You may consider hiring a career coach like myself to work through this period to help you regroup, capture your talents and gifts and market yourself for the position and organization that will optimize your strengths.
#3 Do What Makes you Afraid:
Have you just been asked to present at a national conference and you have never spoken in front of a large group never mind on a topic that you have little expertise in? Are you worried that if you transition into another industry that your experience and your skill set will not be transferrable, valued or recognized?
How are you going to know if you are born speaker or were destined for another industry unless you take the scary risk and go for it? You won’t I am afraid to say.
There was a video that demonstrated a study conducted in NYC where a chalkboard was placed on a city corner with chalk. On the chalkboard it said, What’s Your Biggest Regret. Throughout the day various people wrote notes and phrases of their “regrets”. The common underlying theme was that most of the notes that people wrote were things they wished they had done but had not. No one indicated a regret of something that they did do. Therefore, get out there and do what makes you afraid.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said “you must do the things you think you cannot do.”
Measuring up at the workplace is up to you. Feeding your brain positive self-statements, taking stock of your gifts and talents and doing what makes you afraid are three strategies to build yourself up to enhance your self-worth.

Embodying your Power as a Leader with a Power Pose

/in /by

As a leader do you tend to focus more on finding the “right” words and grapple with what you are going to say rather than what your body is doing and conveying? Would you like to present and communicate with more confidence as a leader?

In a blog post about improving workplace communication, I noted that effective communication skills are built on your attention to your non-verbal messages. Your nonverbal messages via your body language has the power to help you both internally and externally exude a greater level of self-assurance.
Social Psychologist, Amy Cuddy states that “it does not have to be this extensive inner transformation, you just need to nudge yourself moment by moment tweaking your body language, behavior and mind set in our day-to-day lives.”
Cuddy’s research has shown how this works. She notes that our physiology, the chemicals in our bodies, change depending on how we position our bodies. She discovered that our testosterone level and our cortisol levels shift dramatically depending on how we carry and hold our bodies.
Cuddy’s research further indicates that when we hold ourselves, either sitting or standing, in an open stance, standing or sitting tall, shoulders back, head held high in what she has coined the “Power Pose” for two minutes, your vigorous hormone testosterone increases and your stress hormone cortisol decreases.
In contrast, if you hold your body and shoulders in a hunched fashion, pull your body inward and make yourself appear small, those same hormones do the opposite. Your vigorous testosterone level decreases and your stress hormone cortisol increases.
Therefore, if you want to optimize your body position and your hormone levels to your advantage utilize the Power Pose. The Power Pose will increase your sense of power and confidence.
A former client of mine, Angela (not her real name), hired me for career coaching. Her motivation was driven by her desire to increase her level of confidence within her organization. She had shared with me that she felt marginalized and dismissed by the senior leaders in her company. Angela wanted to work on her communication skills.
When I met Angela for the first time, although I believe she was about 5’10”, she walked into the room and appeared to be 4’11”. Her entire body was caved in and shrunken, her handshake was weak and tentative, and she was wearing dark sunglasses, so I could not see her eyes. Her body expression exuded a diminished and small persona.
As part of our work together, Angela adapted the Power Pose idea to create a pose that felt powerful to her. She shared with me that prior to meeting with her senior managers she would close her office door, stand tall with her arms outstretched in a “V”, as though she had just crossed the finish line and won an Olympic gold medal. She held this victory stance for at least two minutes. Although it initially felt awkward, Angela was keen and determined and practiced her power pose routinely.
Angela reported that her interactions with her senior managers improved over time and she felt like she was being taken more seriously. She recognized the positive results in her interactions and reported that she felt more assertive in her messages.
I highly recommend that you watch Cuddy’s popular TedTalk and learn how to adjust your body throughout the day and develop your own Power Pose. Angela is an example of how using the Power Pose allowed her to feel more valued and confident with her team.
As leaders, it is sometimes the small areas in your body language that will have both an internal and external impact. The Power Pose, when used on a regular basis, can enhance your intended message to create greater influence. Incorporating a Power Pose as part of your daily routine will be more powerful than any other communication mode adjustment.

Ask Your Brain to Help You Lead Your Team in the Right Direction

/in /by

When was the last time that you purchased a new car? It did not have to be a “new” new car exactly; just new to you. If you are like most, you probably did your research. You looked at all the factors that are important to you when purchasing a vehicle; such as what you need, what you want, your budget etc.

And after doing your extensive research, you landed on that yellow Jeep as your final decision. Yes, a yellow Jeep. And once you have come to this decision, you have just told your brain that a yellow Jeep is exactly what you want. And then something interesting happens. Yellow Jeeps start popping up all over the place.
Now is that because the universe has just dumped thousands of yellow Jeeps on the road?
No, the reason that you are now seeing yellow Jeeps all over town is because you have given your brain something specific to focus on.
You have told your brain what is essential and the part of the brain that you are navigating is the Reticular Activating System (RAS). RAS is the part of the brain that determines what you are going to focus on based on what you tell it to focus on.
Your RAS does not discriminate, meaning your RAS does not know if your thoughts are good ones or bad ones. It does not know if your thoughts support you toward your desired goals or detract you. And it does not know if your thoughts are good for you or not.
Whatever you tell your RAS it will find evidence to support it.
How does this apply to you as a leader? As a leader, if you tell yourself that a work situation is untenable, that there is no possible way that you can move forward because your team will never “get it”, your RAS will find all the supporting evidence to prove you are right. The situation will be untenable, will lack a solution and your staff won’t ever get it. So, what you think will determine what comes your way.
As a leader, practice telling your brain where you want to go. Decide on what you are going to tell your RAS. For example, tell yourself and your team, we got this! We are going to find a way! We are going to find the value in this tough situation.
This will tell your RAS that what want to focus on are the positive aspects of the situation. Those positive aspects will then show up and be visible – just like the yellow Jeeps that keep showing up. You’ll see it when you believe it.
The message here is not to act or pretend as if everything and everyone is “dandy”. As a leader, it is not about painting an unrealistic picture. Leaders must identify and address the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet, it is important to understand that the thoughts and impressions you “anchor in” will inform your RAS.
Tell your RAS what you want it to focus on. What you think about is going to dictate what you notice and influence how you act. So, choose you’re them wisely.

Improve Workplace Communication by Paying Attention to Non-Verbal Language

/in /by

It’s fair to say that the most effective leaders are also exceptional communicators.

According to authors: Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, and Melinda Smith “Effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. It’s about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. As well as being able to clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way that gains the full meaning of what’s being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.”
Effective communication is like a pitch and catch scenario where a leader must not only pay attention to what they are delivering, what they are tossing out in their message; they must also pay attention to what they are receiving, the cues delivered and pivot their communication approach as necessary.
Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at UCLA, shares that communication is broken into three modes; nonverbal communication (our body language), verbal communication (the actual words that we use and say) and para verbal communication (how you say what you say and how loud or soft you speak).
Professor Mehrabian did extensive research and distinguished between the various modes of communication and attempted to understand which mode communicates the loudest.

Mehrabian’s research suggested that those modes fell into the following order of communicating messages; assuming you are speaking to someone in person.

Nonverbal communication speaks 55% of your message.
Para verbal communication speaks 38% of your message. And
Verbal communications convey 7% of your message.
Does Mehrabian’s research infer that what you say, your words, don’t matter? No, words do matter. However, what this ratio does imply is that focusing on your words is not as important as your other modes of communication such as your body language and para verbal messages.
How can this information be useful? If you know that your body language communicates more than half of your message, then focusing on your physiology can assist you in bringing a consistent message and presenting yourself in your intended manner.
How many times have you experienced someone speaking to you and the words that they were saying did not match their nonverbal cues. For example, has your boss ever asked for your opinion on a project but kept looking at her watch, tapping her foot and sighing simultaneously? Did you get mixed messages from all her modes of communication? And did you get the sense from her body language that she really wanted to hear your opinion? Probably not.
Her words said “Yes” but her body messages said “No”.
Could your communication effectiveness improve if you focused on your body language?
David Johnson, a social psychologist, author of Reaching Out, Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-Actualization notes that all “nonverbal behavior communicates. If it is observed, it communicates.”
If you are willing to look your body language to strengthen your communication skills, pay attention to these seven areas:
Body orientation: Your body orientation note the degree to which you are facing toward or away from the person that you are speaking.
Posture: Your body position as you are standing, sitting or walking.
Gestures: Your gestures and the movement of your hands, arms and head.
Facial expressions and eye movements: The emotional expressions that your face and eye movements convey whether it is surprise, enthusiasm, disgust, happiness etc.
Touch: Any type of touch. There are various forms of nonverbal communication through touch. If you are a hairdresser there may be functional touch. You may use social touch when you shake someone’s hand when you meet or see them. There is also friendly touch, like a pat on the back. There can be aggressive touch like a shove or a sexual touch like a kiss. It is important that leaders choose any type of touch with discernment. In professional settings, physical touch must remain professional and respectful.
Clothing/Attire: The type of clothes, jewelry, accessories, etc. communicate a message of a perceived level of your economic status, social position, level of success, attitude etc.
Use of space and distance: How close and/or how far away you stand from someone. The physical boundaries that you set as parameters between you and the other person.
Effective communication skills are built on your attention to your nonverbal messages. Increase your body language awareness in the seven areas noted above by paying attention to them, shifting and pivoting them as necessary.
The next time that you ask someone on your team for their opinion on a project, do so in a sincere way. You can demonstrate that by sitting down in their office and being at the same eye level, facing them with your head, feet and body, folding your hands on your lap, looking at them intently and listening. You will have conveyed a genuine an authentic message to them that their opinion matters to you.

Exceptional Leadership Starts with Knowing that you Cannot make Everyone Happy

/in /by

When James hired me as a coach, he was struggling as a new leader. About eight months prior, James was hired as a manager after having been in a variety of customer service positions for the last ten years.

As a customer service provider, James’ main focus was on pleasing his client base. He was used to finding creative ways to make his clients happy, keep them satisfied and focus on their satisfaction and contentment. His main priority was to be of service to them and James was having a difficult time making the transition from a customer pleaser to being an effective manager and leader.
James realized that he was fumbling in his role and needed some professional support and guidance to figure it out. He knew he was doing several things as a leader that was to his and his employee’s detriment. His supervisor was also starting to come down on him and he was concerned that his boss was not happy with his performance. James hired me as a coach to help him uncover the barriers to his success and provide him with the tools for improvement.
When James and I started our work together, I asked him where he felt inadequate as a leader and he mentioned these areas.
For instance, James noticed that he was being far too accommodating with his employees. James would approve all time off and vacation requests without exception and without any consideration of the impact it would have on day to day operations. James began encountering situations where his department was short staffed and those that were present would feel the squeeze.
James recognized that he was not holding his people accountable to their tasks and responsibilities. This inevitably starting impacting the quality of services and lost productivity.
Additionally, James was avoiding having difficult and hard conversations with employees about some poor performance issues which were now mounting into potential major problems.
I pointed out to James that these issues all seemed to have the same origin – it looked like he was wanting to make his employees happy. James began to have an epiphany. With this new insight, he realized that something needed to change and that the change had to begin with him.
The leadership challenges that James was facing are not unusual. New leaders commonly face the temptation of wanting to make their employees happy. That certainly sounds reasonable? Right?
Well, it’s not as if you want to make your employees miserable but is your goal and target as a leader to make your employees happy or is it something entirely different? Here are four leadership guidelines that James learned in our work together that will benefit any new leader.
#1 Know Your Shtick
Exceptional leadership starts with knowing your strengths, knowing your areas of “weakness” and knowing the resources around you to defer to in the areas that are not your shtick!
I provided James with some assessment tools that allowed James to do some soul searching and evaluated the talents and gifts that he brings to the table. As we reviewed these assessment reports together, James was able to truly articulate his skill set, preferences, and strengths so he could own and use those attributes to his advantage as a leader.
#2 Decide on and clarify your role
Secondly, it is important to come to terms with your role as a leader in your own head. Decide on the type of leader that you would like to be and how will you manifest your role.

In our coaching sessions, James and I reviewed various leadership styles and approaches. James decided that he wanted to embrace the areas of mentoring, coaching, and teaching his employees. We reviewed strategies that he could employ to implement these approaches.

In addition to guiding his employees, James was able to recognize that he needed to enforce boundaries, make hard decisions and set limits with his employees.
#3 Focus on development
As a leader, your job is not to make everyone happy. Your job is, however, to help support your employees to do their best and be as effective as they can in their jobs. Your job as a leader is to train, support and resource your staff so they can be the most effective as they can in their job.
As James developed goals in his coaching with me, he began to engage his employees in crafting professional development goals that were meaningful to them and that provided greater value to the organization. James would help them in the identified areas that he had expertise and would refer his employees to the “go-to” people in their company who were masters and experts in areas he was not.
James wanted to support his employees networking tentacles and relationships with other colleagues in order to best support their growth.
#4 Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
Leadership requires grit. It demands your ability to have hard and difficult conversations with employees even if they make you uncomfortable. Leadership may often insist that you get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
James worked hard on developing his communication skill set to include addressing performance issues with employees in all realms. James had been a master at recognizing when people did great things. Now James was working on helping his employees by providing them feedback to assist their enhanced performance, effectiveness and impact on the organization in the areas they were wrestling and struggling in.
James and I would role play various employee challenges that involved giving critical feedback to employees. We would then review the scenarios and identify the effective approaches utilized and I offered suggestions for improvement.
These role play exercises heightened James’s self-awareness and ability to deliver difficult messages with greater ease.
Exceptional leadership is not a simple recipe. It requires self-reflection and evaluation, making decisions based on how you want to show up and taking on the hard work of your own professional development. It requires you to learn from lessons, it takes time, and of course you must be willing to take risks and make mistakes.
James worked through his need to make his employees “happy”. He came to terms with the fact that that was an impossible and unrealistic goal. Conversely, James was able to build his foundational leadership steps that led to his increased performance and effectiveness.
It was ultimately James who was the happy one!

The Networking Mindset for People who Hate Networking

/in /by

Networking. Yes, I have said that dreadful word.

Remember rolodexes? The desktop card indexes that recorded names, telephone numbers, and addresses. The days of tracking your connections to rolodexes may be lost however the strength of building our networking connections through in person, face-to-face encounters have not.
Many people have a disdain for the idea of networking. Let’s challenge that notion.
Networking is truly a powerful tool. Networking can become one of your true allies that is part of your personal and professional development strategy.
Networking, in its simplest form, is about creating and sustaining relationships. That’s it. It is relational and frankly, if you think about it more broadly, isn’t everything you do about building, nurturing and sustaining vital relationships?
Creating and building new relationships are key. However, sustaining those valued relationships that have already been established are just as important. Many of my coaching clients have turned to those “old” managers and mentors from their past lives. When they have kept up on those relations, it has assisted them in creating new connections for future opportunities.
A former client recently shared with me that she spent time reflecting on where she worked before where she felt most valued and respected. Where she felt her voice mattered. It was in a hospital setting and she decided to take the risk and reach out to the COO there. Although this felt like a stretch, she remembered that the COO had said he hoped they worked together again. So… with some gumption and grit, she reached out to him. He responded very quickly, and they connected later that week. He told her that he loved to bring back employees who have added value before and find a place for them.
In a broader sense, it you think about all the domains in your life; work/career, family, friends, and community, our relationships form the basis for the quality of those areas. Therefore, having a networking mentality has wonderful benefits. If you network, you will:

· Increase your opportunities,

· increase your shared knowledge,

· increase your connections and
· increase your visibility; allowing you to be at the table.
Of course, the losses are just the opposite. If you don’t network, you will:
· miss opportunities,
· miss shared knowledge,
· miss vital connections, and
· lose your spot at the table; becoming invisible.
The benefits of networking clearly outweigh any drawbacks. However, doing it can create a lot of angst and anxiety for some.
Networking may not make your top ten list of the most joyful things to do. It may push you out of your comfort zone and straight into a panic zone. Just curious—why is that? Well it may have to do with the fact that as many as 50% of us are introverts.
If you are in fact an introvert, it does not mean that you are anti-social. It also does not mean that you are anti-constant conversation.
Introverts get drained just being around a high stimulation environment, like a networking event. So, you can redefine what a networking event “looks like”. It may be a 1:1 conversation with someone or a small group get together.
Networking does not need to occur in a loud, crowded venue with dozens or even hundreds of people.
Introverts tend to be better listeners and listening is key to building relationships. Listen for what someone is looking for and the things that are important to them. Find ways to help people; be of service.
In relationships, there is a rotation of giving and receiving. If all you do and focus on is “to take” from your relationships, they will eventually lose their potency. But those individuals, the people who give, and give without the pretense of getting, will reap the benefits organically.
The dynamic shifts when you see networking as an opportunity to explore what you can do to help others. Begin with a giving mindset and an attitude of walking in with the intention of finding ways of furnishing others with your gifts and talents.
Who knows, you might find that you get far more out of it than ever expected.
Networking expands your tentacles and the connections that could assist you on your journey.
Let’s be real, you may not find a love for networking. Rather, you may find it more tolerable, with quality outcomes over time. You may possibly find that it can even be a tad bit of fun. Okay, maybe now I am pushing it, but nonetheless, networking may be the catalyst for new favorable ventures.

Want to Fit In more at Work? Be Fearlessly Authentic

/in /by

Do some of your colleagues fit in at the workplace better than you? Are you curious why they seem to be better matched while you feel ill paired in the same exact setting? Could being fearlessly authentic be “the thing” that has true benefits? If so, what does it mean to be fearlessly authentic?

Fearless authenticity means that you risk being your “real, genuine and true self”. You put yourself out there.
Now, you may feel that you must be one “self” at work while another “self” outside of work. Doing that dance can take a lot of work and effort especially when you try to be someone that you are not.
We are all complex individuals with many different personas and ways of being. For example, you may work in a corporate work environment and be responsible for leading and conducting meetings in front of important stakeholders. You may be required to suit up for those occasions while on Saturdays you are lounging at home with your family sporting your comfy cargos and your oldest most favorite t-shirt.
Fearless authenticity at work is not about wearing that comfy Saturday outfit while facilitating a presentation; the areas of fearless authenticity are more about your ability to be and present your bona fide self.
Here are three unexpected truths that show how fearless authenticity will make you fit in better at work.
You bring yourself to the table.
When you know yourself, you bring that person forward. According to Faisal Hoque, “To be authentic one must be awake, meaning you have the ability to understand who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to fit into the world”.
Self-awareness is essential, valuable and can be used to your advantage.
If you are a strategic thinker who needs to plot and weigh your options before you execute a plan of action, doing so will allow you to operate at your optimal capacity. Making quick and impulsive decisions would boast poor results.
Your natural course of action will generate a level of confidence from yourself and others.
 
Your co-workers will embrace you, even your quirky parts.
When you know yourself and project it out there; you create an ease amongst those that you work with. The pretenses and facades vanish, and a level of trust gets emitted.
You know who you are, you embrace all the parts of you and you appreciate them.
Ultimately, those you work amongst will admire you for it. Even those quirky acts you deliver, like your rendition of “Fly Me to The Moon” that you whistle every day at 3pm.
Your acts of weirdness and quirkiness can be endearing and help enliven your workplace.
You will do your best work.
You may doubt yourself and worry that if you truly bring yourself to your workplace others may not like what they see. The opposite is true. You will probably bring and do your best work.
Another added benefit is that your boss will be happier with your work and according to Maggie Heath it “will make you more memorable”. You may not “Woo” everyone you meet however isn’t that true out in the larger world?
Being fearlessly authentic in the workplace does take some chutzpah. It requires vulnerability, risk and a self-assuredness that professes who you are is worthy to bring forward.
The payout is a sincere and open expression of your original self and as Oscar Wilde said “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”

What to do when your Boss is Mad with you.

/in /by

Have you ever encountered a time when you submitted a project late, or you didn’t quite get the calculation correct on an analysis report, or a client complained about your response to them? Your boss might not tell you directly that he/she is angry with you, so it’s important that you pay attention to their body language and tone of voice. For example, your boss verbally tells you that they understand that mistakes happen and that they are not mad at you however their brows are furrowed, eyes are squinted, shoulders jutted forward, and their jaw is clenched. Every ounce of their body language and tone are communicating that they are mad, disappointed or highly irritated with your mishap. And this discourse leaves you horribly confused.

So, what do you do? And how do you interpret the misfired communication expression that your boss has just conveyed? Interpreting communication from someone, especially from your boss, can be consuming and tricky when the messages are inconsistent. Paul Watzlawick, a psychologist well known for his contributions on Communication Theory, put it this way, “One cannot not communicate!” Frankly stated, even if someone does not say a word they communicate very strong messages and they do so with their bodies, their facial expressions, their posture and stance, their eye contact and movement, their hand gestures, their attire and the distance and space that they create between you and them. And those elements of nonverbal communication often send a greater message then the actual words that they say. So, when your boss communicates a message to you and their nonverbal message is different or in opposition to their verbal message you probably are cued into interpreting the nonverbal messages as they speak the loudest. Regardless of whether your boss tells you he/she is angry or you figure this out on your own, you need to address your boss’s anger. Here are three steps how to do that.
 
Breath Deep and Depersonalize
Reflect for a moment and take some deep breaths. Responding quickly and shooting from the hip is reactionary. Whether you are standing or sitting evaluate your body tension; are you rigid and tense? Try to relax your body starting from the top at your head and face, moving down to your shoulders, your torso and then to your legs and feet. Take a few deep breaths and get in a mental headspace where you can respond in a way that is calm and composed. Once your physical body is as relaxed as you can get it then do some head work. Tell yourself that you are not going to take your bosses reaction personally however you are going to deal with the mishap. In an article entitled Use Feedback to Your Advantage from Forbes, the author indicates that feedback is information. Remove your emotional reaction and be open to hearing information that may be useful to your professional growth.
 
Take Stock and Review the Mishap
Now that you are in a better headspace and frame of mind, evaluate the situation at hand. What was your role in the mishap? Was there truth in your bosses’ feedback? Were you late, inaccurate in your reporting or impatient with a client? Evaluate your performance and do your best to review it objectively. Don’t make it bigger than it was or smaller. Try to create a realistic impression and identify the recipient’s evaluation of your work. Take stock in how you handled it and determine your performance areas you that were less than ideal.
 
Execute a Plan to Improve
Based on the assessment of your work performance, determine what plan will best remedy the situation in the short and long term. Do you need some time management help? Can you have someone check your calculations and numbers prior to submitting an important report? Do you need to practice, and role play strategies with a colleague, so you can best deal with clients who push your buttons? Identify the mishap and specific areas you can focus on for immediate and sustained improvement. Let your boss know that you are aware, understand their concerns and have a plan so these mishaps are less likely to occur again.
Interpreting and responding to messages that your boss communicates verbally and non-verbally is an art and a science. Using these three steps can be the launching pad that will allow you to respond to your boss professionally and permit you to reflect and utilize feedback to your professional advantage.

Filling in the Gaps when your Job isn’t Everything

/in /by

A young man I recently met at the bank proved to me it’s possible to learn and grow on the job, no matter what you do for a living. The other day I went to my bank to meet with loan officer, Jose, to sign my loan papers for the purchase of my new car. Jose was instructing me on the forms that I needed to sign, and I told him I had some cash I wanted to deposit into my business account. I gently inserted it was cash from the sale of copies of my first book. Jose seemed to express an interest and asked me what I wrote my book about. I told Jose about my book Manage Up! The Ultimate Guide to Managing Your Manager. I shared with Jose that I had been inspired to write on the topic due to several of my coaching clients’ struggles with challenging bosses. Jose was even more intrigued and asked if I could share with him a tip from my book.

I told Jose that one of the tips was that your boss cannot be everything to you just like you cannot be everything to your boss. I went on to share that it is important that you uncover and learn your bosses “schtick” and tap into their strengths. It’s also important to know your boss’s limitations and find other people and resources to fill the gaps your boss is missing. Jose then went on to say that this job, his current role at the bank, was not his true career destiny. He shared that since he was a kid he was curious and wanted to figure out what life was about. His strategy for doing so was to interview older individuals. According to Jose he chatted with random older folks and would ask them their opinions about their greatest life lessons and what their thoughts were about life. He respected these older individual’s life experience and wanted to obtain all the nuggets he could get from them. I thought Jose was on to something and clever for a young kid.

Jose shared that he would ask elderly strangers what he needed to know about life. He expressed that many of their conversational exchanges centered around their regret; regret about not doing various things in their lives. It reminded me of an experiment that was done in the streets of New York entitled; What’s Your Biggest Regret where a large chalkboard was placed on a sidewalk that said “Write Your Biggest Regret”. What the experiment demonstrated was that most of the regrets identified were things people did not do rather than things that people did do. One of the takeaways from this experiment is that most people have regrets of things they do not follow through with. It reminds us that taking risks and tackling fears would be a greater story to share one day rather than chanting the phrases “I shoulda …. Or I coulda ….”. Living with the feeling of regret exposes a missed opportunity. Living with the triumph of taking on risk reveals our potential.

After I left the bank, I realized that Jose was already doing exactly what my book advised. He was using me, and the older people he encountered, as resources to fill in what he wasn’t getting from his job or his boss. At his young age, Jose had learned an important lesson. You can’t count on others to manage you well; you must learn to manage yourself.

©2025 Jacqueline C. Ross, LLC

Home
Mental Fitness
Coaching
Speaking & Workshops
About
Blog
Podcasts
Contact
Book Online

Stay Connected

Sign up for Coach Jackie’s Newsletter